Funny Jokes

Jimmy Kimmel’s spared no expense in his well thought out response to his girlfriend Sarah Silverman’s “I’m F—ing Matt Damon” video. This is a great example of viral content exploding through a successful combination of both word of mouth marketing and effective use of Social Media tools such as YouTube, Facebook, and Digg.

At any rate, this is one for the funny jokes archive that will likely last and last at making people laugh for a number of years… In life, we should all be lucky enough not to take things so seriously all the time… there is always a time and a place to let Humor and Jokes rule your daily moments… I hope this one really makes you Laugh…
I can already see the “I’m F—ing Matt Damon” t-shirts and the “I’m F—ing Ben Affleck” bumper stickers.

Crack Found on Governor’s Daughter

[Imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

[Now that’s taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

[No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace

[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

[Who would have thought?]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

[You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

[He probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

[Weren’t they big enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

[That’s what he gets for eating those beans!]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18″ of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Minnesota.

If you’re proud that your state makes the national News 96 nights each year, because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Minnesota.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Minnesota.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don’t work there, you might live in Minnesota.

If your dads suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, You might live in Minnesota.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Minnesota.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Minnesota.

If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, you might live in Minnesota.

Vacation means going up North past Virginia for the weekend, you might live in Minnesota.

If you know how to say Wayzata, Mahtomedia, Edina, Shakopee, Winton and Ely, You might live in Minnesota.

If you measure distance in hours, you might live in Minnesota.

You know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you might live in Minnesota.

You often switch from heat to A/C in the same day and back again, you might live in Minnesota

You see people wearing hunting clothes at special events, you might live in Minnesota.

You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching. You might live in Minnesota.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked, you might live in Minnesota.

You think of the major food groups as Beer, Fish and venison, you might live in Minnesota.

You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them, you might live in Minnesota.

There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Zups Grocery Store at any given time, You might live in Minnesota.

You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you might live in Minnesota.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you might live in Minnesota.

You know all 4 seasons: almost winder, winter, still winter and road construction, you might live in Minnesota.

You consider Minneapolis exotic, you might live in Minnesota.

Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce, you might live in Minnesota.

Down South means Iowa, A brat is something you eat, You go out to fish fry every Friday,

You find 0 degrees a little chilly; you really just might live in Minnesota!

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.

2. You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.

3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.

4. Well, aren’t we a damn ray of sunshine!

5. Don’t bother me; I’m living happily every after.

6. Do I look like a people person?

7. This isn’t an office…it’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

10. Why don’t you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?

11. I’m not crazy. I’ve been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

14. I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.

15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t gone to sleep yet!

16. Back off! You’re standing in my aura.

17. Don’t worry…I forgot your name too.

18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.

19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

20. Wait…I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. Chaos, panic and disorder…my work here is done.

22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

23. You look like shit. Is that they style now?

24. Earth is full. Go home.

25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?

26. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

27. A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth.

28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.

29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

30. Look in my eyes…Do you see one ounce of “gives-a-shit?”

Talk about a huge breast!

Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

It’s Cool Whip time!

If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!

Whew, that’s one terrific spread!

Are you ready for seconds yet?

It’s a little dry; do you still want to eat it?

Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!

Don’t play with your meat.

Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?

I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!

You still have a little bit on your chin.

How long will it take after you stick it in?

You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.

Wow. I didn’t think I could handle all of that!

That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen!

How long do I beat it before it’s ready???

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

*****

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t Be Wrong!

*****

Arizona: But It’s A Dry Heat

*****

Arkansas: Literacy Ain’t Everything

*****

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

*****

Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother

*****

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy’s Don’t Own It Yet

*****

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

*****

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

*****

Georgia: We Put The “Fun” In Fundamentalist Extremism

*****

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru

(Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

*****

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes…Well Okay, We’re Not, But The Potatoes Are Real Good

*****

Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce The “S”

*****

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

*****

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

*****

Kansas: First Of The Rectangular States

*****

Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names

*****

Louisiana: We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,

But That’s Our Tourism Campaign

*****

Maine: We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

*****

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

*****

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets

*****

Michigan: First Line Of Defence - From The Canadians

*****

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes….And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

*****

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

*****

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

*****

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Uni-bomber, Right-wing Crazies

And Very Little Else

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Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

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Nevada: Hookers And Poker!

*****

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

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New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

*****

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

*****

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent,

You Have The Right To An Attorney…

*****

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

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North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

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Ohio: At Least We’re Not Michigan

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Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

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Oregon: Spotted Owl…It’s What’s For Dinner

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Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

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Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island

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South Carolina: Remember The Civil War?

We Didn’t Actually Surrender

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South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

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Tennessee: The Educashun State

*****

Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)

*****

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus!

*****

Vermont: Yep

*****

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?

*****

Washington: Help! We’re Over-run By Nerds And Slackers!

*****

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

*****

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family…..Really!

*****

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

“Mom,” he asked, “are these my brains?”

“Not yet,” replied his mother.

Students were assigned to read 2 books, “Titanic” & “My Life” by Bill Clinton.

One smart ass student turned in the following book report, with the position that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for his report:

Titanic: $29.99 * Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read * Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack & Rose, their forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe *

Clinton: The story of Bill & Monica, their forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist * Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar * Clinton: Ditto for Bill

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined * Clinton: Ditto for Monica

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit * Clinton: Let’s Not Go There

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry * Clinton: Monica’s forced to return her gifts

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life * Clinton: Clinton doesn’t remember Jack

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen * Clinton: Monica…ooh, let’s not go there either

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death * Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary…basically the same thing

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the shy clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”

The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me.”

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

The Lord replied, “You want that bridge with two lanes or four?”

The boss was in a quandry. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Katie or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Katie came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went straight to the water cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said, “Katie, I’ve never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.”

“I’d rather you jack off,” she replied. “I really feel like shit this morning!”

Little Johnny returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

“Why?” asks the father. “The teacher asked, ‘How much is 2 x 3?’, I said 6″ replied Johnny. “But that’s right!” says his dad.

“Yeah, but then she asked me, ‘How much is 3 x 2?”

“What’s the fucking difference?” asks the father.

“That’s what I said!” said Johnny.

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto!, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer!

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.

If it doesn’t move and should, use WD-40.

If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

11. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance!

12. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, start out dead and git it out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day…You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work for 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you’re generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and finally you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case

This is a short story written by a grandson who had a very special relationship with his Grandpa. Many of us unfortunately were born after our own Granspa’s had passed on and never had the opportunity to enjoy moments like this. The grandson writes….

I hope this will again confirm that the most important information in your life won’t come from a teacher, the library or the internet. It comes from a mentor, and always on a very personal level. My long-passed grandfather’s birthday is coming up and for me, it is a time to reminisce.

We use to take long walks and drives together. He would make special trips to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him. I was young when he died. If he were living today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I’d be a better man. Those gems were all well and good, but the one I remember best came from him when I was only 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children with their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I’d find a woman and start my own family. Then he came to the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice when he said, “And be sure you marry a woman with small hands.”

“Why should I do that, Grandpa?” I asked.

“It makes your pecker look bigger.”

It kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, “They’re lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look ‘em over and pick the one you want.”

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man’s opinion.

“Well,” said the man, “she’s just a weeeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice….pigeon toed.”

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

“Well,” the man replied, “she’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell…crossed-eyed..”

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better.

So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

“She’s perfect, just perfect. She’s the one I want to marry.”

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.

He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

“Well,” explains the redneck…”She was just a weeee bit, not that you could hardly tell…. pregnant when you met her.”