Funny Jokes

Crack Found on Governor’s Daughter

[Imagine that!]

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

[No, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

[Now that’s taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

[What a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

[No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace

[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

[You think?]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

[Who would have thought?]

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

[They may be on to something!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

[You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge

[He probably IS the battery charge!]

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

[Weren’t they big enough?!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

[That’s what he gets for eating those beans!]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18″ of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Minnesota.

If you’re proud that your state makes the national News 96 nights each year, because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Minnesota.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Minnesota.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don’t work there, you might live in Minnesota.

If your dads suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, You might live in Minnesota.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Minnesota.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Minnesota.

If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, you might live in Minnesota.

Vacation means going up North past Virginia for the weekend, you might live in Minnesota.

If you know how to say Wayzata, Mahtomedia, Edina, Shakopee, Winton and Ely, You might live in Minnesota.

If you measure distance in hours, you might live in Minnesota.

You know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you might live in Minnesota.

You often switch from heat to A/C in the same day and back again, you might live in Minnesota

You see people wearing hunting clothes at special events, you might live in Minnesota.

You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching. You might live in Minnesota.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked, you might live in Minnesota.

You think of the major food groups as Beer, Fish and venison, you might live in Minnesota.

You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them, you might live in Minnesota.

There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Zups Grocery Store at any given time, You might live in Minnesota.

You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you might live in Minnesota.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you might live in Minnesota.

You know all 4 seasons: almost winder, winter, still winter and road construction, you might live in Minnesota.

You consider Minneapolis exotic, you might live in Minnesota.

Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce, you might live in Minnesota.

Down South means Iowa, A brat is something you eat, You go out to fish fry every Friday,

You find 0 degrees a little chilly; you really just might live in Minnesota!

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.

2. You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.

3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.

4. Well, aren’t we a damn ray of sunshine!

5. Don’t bother me; I’m living happily every after.

6. Do I look like a people person?

7. This isn’t an office…it’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.

8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.

10. Why don’t you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?

11. I’m not crazy. I’ve been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

14. I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.

15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t gone to sleep yet!

16. Back off! You’re standing in my aura.

17. Don’t worry…I forgot your name too.

18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.

19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

20. Wait…I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. Chaos, panic and disorder…my work here is done.

22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

23. You look like shit. Is that they style now?

24. Earth is full. Go home.

25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?

26. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

27. A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth.

28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.

29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.

30. Look in my eyes…Do you see one ounce of “gives-a-shit?”

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

*****

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t Be Wrong!

*****

Arizona: But It’s A Dry Heat

*****

Arkansas: Literacy Ain’t Everything

*****

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

*****

Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother

*****

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy’s Don’t Own It Yet

*****

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

*****

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

*****

Georgia: We Put The “Fun” In Fundamentalist Extremism

*****

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru

(Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

*****

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes…Well Okay, We’re Not, But The Potatoes Are Real Good

*****

Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce The “S”

*****

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

*****

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

*****

Kansas: First Of The Rectangular States

*****

Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names

*****

Louisiana: We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,

But That’s Our Tourism Campaign

*****

Maine: We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

*****

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

*****

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets

*****

Michigan: First Line Of Defence - From The Canadians

*****

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes….And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

*****

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

*****

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

*****

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Uni-bomber, Right-wing Crazies

And Very Little Else

*****

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

*****

Nevada: Hookers And Poker!

*****

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

*****

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

*****

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

*****

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent,

You Have The Right To An Attorney…

*****

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

*****

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

*****

Ohio: At Least We’re Not Michigan

*****

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

*****

Oregon: Spotted Owl…It’s What’s For Dinner

*****

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

*****

Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island

*****

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War?

We Didn’t Actually Surrender

*****

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

*****

Tennessee: The Educashun State

*****

Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)

*****

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus!

*****

Vermont: Yep

*****

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?

*****

Washington: Help! We’re Over-run By Nerds And Slackers!

*****

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

*****

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family…..Really!

*****

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto!, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer!

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.

If it doesn’t move and should, use WD-40.

If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

11. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance!

12. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.

…..supposedly taken from actual police car videos across the country……

#15 - “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new.

They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

#14 - “Take your hands off the car, and I’ll make your

birth certificate a worthless document.”

#13 - “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

#12 - “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn’t know,

that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun.”

#11 - “So you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

#10 - “Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help…

Oh… did I mention that ‘I’ am the shift supervisor?”

#9 - “Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again

or I’ll give you another ticket.”

#8 - “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.

Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

#7 - “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride

on rides and eat cotton candy.”

#6 - “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

#5 - “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”

#4 - “Just how big were those two beers?”

#3 - “No sir we don’t have quotas anymore. We use to have quotas but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

#2 - “I’m glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail.”

…..And…..THE BEST ONE!!!!!

#1 - “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? ….You’re right, we don’t.

Sign here.

1. Your house plants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favourite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up.”

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”

10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good shit.”

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. “I just can’t drink the way I use to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”

23. 90% of the time you spend in from of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking “Oh shit, what the hell happened?”

BONUS:

26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you & can’t find one to save your sorry old butt.

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a

barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The

government gives you as much milk they think you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who get the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours try to take the cows and kill you.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

· Can you cry under water?

· How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

· Why do you have to “put your two cents in”.. But it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?

· Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

· Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

· What disease did cured ham actually have?

· How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

· Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?

· If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

· Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?

· Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

· Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.

· Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?

· Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

· Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?

· If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?

· Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both DOGS.

· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

· If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

· Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

· Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

· Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?

· Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

· Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?

We praise the colorectal surgeon

Misunderstood and much maligned

Slaving away in the heart of darkness

Working where the sun don’t shine

Respect the colorectal surgeon

It’s a calling few would crave

Lift up your hands and join us

Let’s all do the finger wave

When it comes to spreading joy

There are many techniques

Some spread joy to the world

And others just spread cheeks

Some may think the cardiologist

Is their best friend

But the colorectal surgeon knows…

He’ll get you in the end!

Why the colorectal surgeon?

It’s one of those mysterious things.

Is it because in that profession

There are always openings?

When I first met a colorectal surgeon

He did not quite understand;

I said, “Hey nice to meet you

But do you mind? We don’t shake hands.”

He sailed right through medical school

Because he was a whiz

Oh but he never thought of psychology

Though he read passages

A doctor he wanted to be

For golf he loved to play

But this is not quite what he meant…

By eighteen holes a day!

Praise the colorectal surgeon

Misunderstood and much maligned

Slaving away in the heart of darkness

Working where the sun don’t shine!

Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about ‘Canucks’

-If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Canada.

-If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you may live in Canada.

-If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Canada.

-If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Canada.

-If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Canada.

-If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Canada.

-If you have switched from “Heat” to “A/C” in the same day and back again, you may live in Canada

-If you can drive 90 kms/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Canada.

-If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Canada.

-If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Canada.

-If you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Canada.

-If the speed limit on the highway is 80km and you’re going 90 but everybody is passing you, you may live in Canada.

-If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Canada.

-If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Canada

-If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Canada.

-If you find 2 degrees “a little chilly”, you may live in Canada.

-if you spend more money for a snowmobile than you do for a car, you may live in Canada.

For all those men who say, “Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free”, here’s an update for you: Nowadays, 80% of women are against marriage, WHY? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage.

1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.

2. Men are like Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.

4. Men are like Blenders. You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.

5. Men are like Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like Commercials. You can’t believe a word they say.

7. Men are like Department Stores. Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like Government Bonds. They take soooooooo long to mature.

9. Men are like Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

10. Men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

11. Men are like Snowstorms. You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.

12. Men are like Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.

13. Men are like Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

(1) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

(2) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

(3) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in something.

(4) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don’t Do It!

(5) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to # 3 for the meaning of nothing.)

(6) That’s Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. That’s okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

(7) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or faint. Just say you’re welcome. (I want to add in a clause here - This is true, unless she says “Thanks a lot” - that is PURE sarcasm and she is not thanking you at all. DO NOT say “you’re welcome” - - - that will bring on a “whatever”).

(8) Whatever: Is a women’s way of saying “You’ll find out how I truly feel”!

(9) Don’t worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking “What’s wrong?” For the woman’s response refer to # 3.

Things To Say If You Get Caught Sleeping On The Job

15. “They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”

14. “This is just a 15 minute power-nap like they raved about at the last time management course you sent me to.”

13. “Whew! Guess I left the top off the liquid paper”

12. “I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm!”

11. “This is one of the seven habits of highly effective people!”

10. “I was testing the keyboard for drool resistance”

9. “Actually I’m doing a “Stress Level Elimination Exercise Plan” (SLEEP) I learned it at the last mandatory seminar you made me attend.

8. “I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work related stress.”

7. “Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”

6. “The coffee machine is broken….”

5. ”Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot.”

4. “Boy, that cold medicine I took last night just won’t wear off!”

3. “Ah, the unique and unpredictable circadian rhythms of the workaholic!”

2. “I wasn’t sleeping; I was trying to pick up contact lens without hands.”

AND THE #1 BEST THING TO SAY IF YOU GET CAUGHT SLEEPING AT YOUR DESK:

“Amen”

COMPETITIVE SALARY:
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY:
We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE:
We don’t pay enough to expect that you’ll dress up-well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED:
You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED:
Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY:
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL:
We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED:
Female applicants must be childless (and remain that way).

APPLY IN PERSON:
If you’re old, fat or ugly you’ll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE:
We’ve filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST:
You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS:
You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS:
Management communicates, you, figure out what they want and do.

I’M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION: I’ve used Microsoft Office.

I’M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE:

I pilfer office supplies.

MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES:
I hope you don’t ask me about all the McJobs I’ve had.

I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK:
I blame others for my mistakes.

I’M PERSONABLE:
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co- workers.

I’M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL:
I carry a Day-Timer.

I AM ADAPTABLE:
I’ve changed jobs a lot.

I AM ON THE GO:
I’m never at my desk.