With seasonal depression here, now we find even mental health systems are affected by out-sourcing. I was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
I got a call center in Pakistan.
I told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck
Do you want to know why I fired my Secretary!? Ok!!!!
Last week was my birthday
and I didn’t feel very well
waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
“Happy Birthday!”,
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone ” Happy Birthday.”
I thought… Well, that’ s marriage for you,
but the kids…They will remember.
My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn’t say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
“Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday ! “
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o’clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know,
It’s such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.”
I said, “Thanks, Jane,
that’s the greatest thing
I’ve heard all day.
Let’s go !”
We went to lunch.
But we didn’t go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office,
Jane said, “You know,
It’s such a beautiful day…
We don’t need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?”
I responded, “I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?”
She said, “Let’s drop by my apartment,
it’s just around the corner.”
After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,” Bo ss, if you don’t mind,
I’m going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I’ll be right back.”
“Ok.” I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake …
Followed by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.
And I just sat there………
On the couch………….
Naked.
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Ft Myers, Florida.
They turned a corner and see a sign that says, ” Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents.”
They look at each other, then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, “Come on in and let me pour one for you! What’ll it be, Gentlemen?”
There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini.
In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis… Shaken, not stirred, and says, “That’ll be 10 cents each, please.”
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment, then look at each other… They can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying “That’s 40 cents, please”
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand.
They have each had two martinis, and so far they’ve spent less than a dollar.
Finally one of the men says, “How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?”
“I’m a retired tailor from Boston,” the bartender said, “and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it’s all the same.”
Wow!!!! That’s quite a story,” says one of the men The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn’t help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn’t have drinks in front of them, and hadn’t ordered anything the whole time they were there.
One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, “What’s with them?”
The bartender says, “Oh, they’re retired teachers from Ontario.
They’re waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price.”
Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol, so he had more than usual. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party.
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:
“Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!
Love, Jillian” He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks: “Son…what happened last night?”
“Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind.
You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.
Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??” His son replies, “Oh THAT!… Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,
“Leave me alone, I’M MARRIED!!”
Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time .
PRICELESS!!!
This is a clip from the Dean Martin Show (a show way back in the late 1960’s)… Foster Brooks (the white haired dude) was a regular on his show. Dean (the dark haired guy) had a comedy hour that featured stars like Johnny Carson, Jack Benny and acts like The Gold Diggers. Noteworthy also, are Dean’s “Roasts” of celebrities that could be quite raunchy for the time.
They dont have TV like this anymore, but from these guys, came the next generation of TV comedy hosts like Late Night with David Letterman, and Jay Leno, and so on…
Anyway, now that your history is up to date, the main thing is that gems like this are just not found on TV anymore… it is good OLD SCHOOL humour. I love it.
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren’t married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
“What in bag?” asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband”.
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
“Good trade…..”
Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you’ll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I’m at this level.)After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.
A man staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies. Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing to suppress a yelp, the man sprung up, pulled down his pants, and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then managed to find a large full box of Band-Aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood. After hiding the now almost empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed. In the morning, the man awoke with searing pain in the head and butt and his wife staring at him from across the room. She said, “You were drunk again last night.” Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied, “Now, hon, why would you say such a mean thing?” “Well,” she said, “it could be the open front door, it could be the glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but, mostly…. it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the downstairs mirror!”
Recently a routine RCMP patrol parked outside a bar just off the main Highway at Goobies, Newfoundland.
After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar who was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He sat there for a few minutes and then threw a hook and line out the window and seemed to be trying to catch a fish.
A number of other patrons failed to observe this crazy drunk as they left the bar and drove off.
Finally the drunk started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it as a fine, dry summer night), flicked the blinkers on, then off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights.
He then pulled in the hook and line and moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patron vehicles left.
At last, the parking lot was empty; he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.
The officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and carried out a Breathalyzer test. To his amazement the Breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed any alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, ‘I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to Headquarters. This Breathalyzer equipment must be broken.’
‘I doubt it,’ said the truly proud Newfoundlander, ‘Tonight I’m the designated decoy.’
I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day. ” Frank Sinatra ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.” Henny Youngman ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence? I think not.” Stephen Wright ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let’s all get drunk and go to heaven!” Brian O’Rourke ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.” Benjamin Franklin ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.” Dave Barry ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!!! “Unknown” ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remember “I” before “E”, except in Budweiser. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here’s how it went: “Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.”
The Cadbury’s Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the new Mint flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex. The Pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart’s Pharmacies. They’re going to be called…. “Pre-dick-a-mints.”
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!” Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!” Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!” Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting “51 days, 51 days, 51 days!” The bartender can’t contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed child’s puzzle of the Cookie Monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, “What’s all the chanting and celebration about?” The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, “Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2 - 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!”
A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. “What’s that big brass gong?” one of the guests asked. “It’s not a gong. It’s a talking clock,” the drunk replied. “A talking clock? Seriously?” asked his astonished friend. “Yup,” replied the drunk. “How’s it work?” the friend asked, squinting at it. “Watch,” the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave it an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, “You asshole … it’s ten past three in the morning!”
D A M I T O L: Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 hours. St.
M O M ‘S W O R T: Plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N: Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.
D U M E R O L: When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of loud country western music and cheap beer.
F L I P I T O R: Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N: Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, “You make me want to be a better person … can we get naked now?”
B U Y- A G R A: Injectable stimulant to be taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
EXTRA STRENGTH BUY-ONE-AL: When combined with Buy-agra, can cause an indiscriminate buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a book by Dr. Laura.
J A C K A S S P I R I N: Relieves headache caused by a man who can’t remember your birthday, anniversary, or phone number.
A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
S E X C E D R I N: More effective than Excedrin in treating the, “Not now, dear, I have a headache,” syndrome.
R A G A M E T: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as nagging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
P E P T O B I M B O: Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and improves flirting.
One day this man is sitting in a bar, drinking, when this little leprechaun jumps up on the bar stool next to him, jumps up on the bar, spits in the man’s face, and runs away. The man wiped his face and was thinking,”oh, man, that was so nasty!” The next day, the same man is in the same bar drinking when here comes the little leprechaun. It jumps up on the bar stool next to him, jumps up on the bar,spits in the man’s face, and runs away. The man angrily wiped his face and thought to himself,”If that leprechaun does that again, I’m goin’ to cut off his penis.” The next day, the man sat at the bar waitin’ for the leprechaun. He kept ordering drinks after drinks after drinks. Finally, the little leprechaun came, jumped up on the bar stool next to him and jumped up on the bar. The man grabbed the leprechaun, took out his knife, pulled down his pants, and there was nothing there! So he asks the leprechaun,”How do you piss?” The leprechaun spits in his face and runs away.