Funny Jokes

Two men are in a bar getting drunk. Suddenly one of them throws up all over himself.

He says “Oh, no. Now my wife will kill me”.

His friend says “Don’t worry. Just tuck a twenty dollar bill in your breast pocket and tell your wife that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill”.

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually he reels home and his wife starts to give him a bad time.

“You reek of alcohol and you’ve thrown up all over yourself, my God you’re disgusting” .

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, he says, “Wait. It’s not what you think. I only had one drink, but this man was sick on me. He’d obviously had one too many, or else he just couldn’t hold his liquor. He was very sorry and he gave me twenty dollars for the cleaning bill. Look in my breast pocket.”

She looks in his breast pocket and says, “But this is forty dollars”.

“Ah, yes.” says the man. “He peed in my trousers too”.

A man walks into a bar with an ostrich and a cat and sits at the bar.

The bartender walks over to them and says, “What can I get for you?”

The man says, “I’ll have a beer”, the ostrich says, “I’ll have a beer”, and the cat says, “I’ll have half a beer and I’m not buying.” So the bartender says, “OK, that will be $3.87.”

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

About an hour later the bartender goes back over to them and says, “What’ll you guys have?”

The man says, “I’ll have a beer”, the ostrich says, “I’ll have a beer”, and the cat says “I’ll have half a beer and I’m not buying.” The bartender gets them their beer and says “That’ll be $3.87.”

The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

A couple of days later they come back into the bar and the bartender walks over and asks, “What do you guys want today?”

The man says, “I’ll have a scotch”, the ostrich says, “I’ll have a bourbon”, and the cat says, “I’ll have half a beer and I’m not buying.” So the bartender says “OK, that will be $7.53.” The man reaches into his pocket and brings out the exact change and pays him.

The bartender’s curiosity got the best of him and he asks, “Why is it that every time I tell you the amount you owe you always have the exact change in you pocket?”

The man said, “I found a bottle with a genie in it and she granted me 3 wishes. My first wish was that I always have the exact change in my pocket for anything I buy.”

The bartender says, “That’s a great wish…better than asking for a million dollars. A million dollars will run out but that never will. What were your other 2 wishes?”

The man says, “That’s where I screwed up.

I asked for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy.”

A horse walks into a bar, he sits down and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?”

The second horse walks in with jumper cables attached to its head and sits down.

The bartender says, “I don’t mind the long face, but don’t you go and try to start something!”

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe.

He walks up to the bar and takes a seat, the giraffe does the same.

The man orders a beer for himself and a double scotch for the giraffe.

They both proceed to drink and after a while they order the same again.

They continue all night, ordering the same drinks, drinking them and ordering another load until

suddenly the giraffe falls off his stool and lies unconscious on the floor.

The man gets up of his stool and heads for the door.

The barman shouts at him as he heads out the door, “You can’t leave that lyin’ ‘ere!”

To which the man replies, “Its not a lion its a giraffe!

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. As he takes a sip, he hears a voice saying “Nice Haircut!” He takes another drink and hears the voice again. This time it says “Nice Tie!”

He takes a final drink, and again he hears the voice say “Nice shoes!”

He calls over the bartender and says, “You may think I’m crazy, but every time I take a drink, I hear a voice.”

The bartender says “You’re not crazy, it’s the peanuts… they’re complimentary!”

A guy had an interesting experience recently involving an “older” woman he met at a bar.

She looked pretty darn HOT for 62. She was drinking quite a bit and, while they were
chatting, she came right out and asked him if he’d ever had a “sportsman’s double” - a
mother and daughter threesome.

He said no, but she might be able to talk him into it. So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth and, looking directly into his eyes, says, “Tonight’s your lucky night.”

So they go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light right as they enter her place, and she
shouts upstairs:

“Mom! You still awake?”

1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
3.Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says “Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with,”Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.

The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little
man, about 9″ high and sets him on the counter.

He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.

He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.

The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!

“Where on earth did you get that?” says the bartender.

The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here. Rub it.”

So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is
standing before him.

“I will grant you one wish… just one wish… each person is only allowed one!”

The bartender gets real excited without hesitating he says, “I want a million bucks!”

A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they just keep coming!

The bartender turns to the man and says, “Y’know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a
million bucks, not a million ducks.”

“No shit!!” says the man, “Do you really think I really asked for a 9 inch pianist?!

SMART-ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
“Would you like dinner?” the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
“What are my choices?” John asked.
“Yes or no,” she replied.

SMART-ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he
opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she
said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub.”

SMART-ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”

The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”

SMART-ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
“I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.

The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART-ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, ” Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?” The truck driver says,
“No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”

SMART-ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. “Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!” A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”

If you remember the Original Hollywood Square s and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when ” Hollywood Squares” game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course.
Q. Do female frogs croak?
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

Q. According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.

Q. Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say “I Love You”?
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.

Q. What are “Do It,” “I Can Help,” and “I Can’t Get Enough”?
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.

Q. As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking?
A. Rose Marie : You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.

Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

Q. If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.

Q . According to

Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?
A. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.

Q. It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?
A. Paul Ly nde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.

Q. Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head , what was he trying to do?
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least

two occasions. What are they?
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

Q. According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh

A man goes to a shrink and says, “Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry’s bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I’m going crazy.

What do you think I should do?”

“Relax,” says the Doctor, “take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry’s bar

This is a clip from the Dean Martin Show (a show way back in the late 1960’s)… Foster Brooks (the white haired dude) was a regular on his show. Dean (the dark haired guy) had a comedy hour that featured stars like Johnny Carson, Jack Benny and acts like The Gold Diggers. Noteworthy also, are Dean’s “Roasts” of celebrities that could be quite raunchy for the time.

They dont have TV like this anymore, but from these guys, came the next generation of TV comedy hosts like Late Night with David Letterman, and Jay Leno, and so on…

Anyway, now that your history is up to date, the main thing is that gems like this are just not found on TV anymore… it is good OLD SCHOOL humour. I love it.

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him..
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the
ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be
$9.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A
hamburger, fries and a coke.”
The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the
waitress.
“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad,” says the man.
“Same,” says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.”
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
“Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change in your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp.

When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there.”
“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!”
“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there,” says the man.
The waitress asks, “What’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn off.

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the restroom?
The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.

“Well, in that case I’ll just look the other way,” said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”

“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender, “Would you like a drink?”

“But, I still don’t understand,” said the puzzled nun.

“You see, laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statute, the lights go out.”

“Now, how about that drink?”

“Say, what’s your name?” the bartender asked the first duck.
“Huey,” was the reply.
“How’s your day been, Huey?”
“Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?” said Huey.
“Oh. That’s nice,” said the bartender.
He turned to the second duck, “Hi, and what’s your name?”
“Dewey,” came the answer from duck number two.
“So how’s your day been, Dewey! ?” he asked.
“Great. Lovely day. I’ve had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?”

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, “So, you must be Louie?”

“No,” she said, batting her eyelashes.
“My name is Puddles.”