This little ditty was sent to us today. Now we are not in the habbit of making fun of anyone, and in this case, the lady has a FANTASTIC voice, and is SO CONFIDENT that she knows english, and man it is more fun watching the female judge try not to fall over… really, she is a talented singer, she needs to concentrate on language to perfect things… Good for her for going for it. Ken Lee - Bulgarian Idol (WITH ENGLISH TRANSLATION)
Did you hear about the lawyer on vacation whose sailboat capsized in dangerous, shark-infested waters?
He surprised his traveling companions by volunteering to swim to the far-off shore for help.
As he swam, his companions were startled by the appearance of two dorsal fins — great white sharks, heading straight toward the lawyer.
To their surprise, the sharks allowed the lawyer to take hold of their fins, and escorted him safely to shore.
When the lawyer returned with help, his companions asked him how he had managed such an incredible feat.
The lawyer answered,
“Professional courtesy.”
BELIEVE it or not , These are REAL 911 Calls!
Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I’m sick and tired of it!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I’m trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn’t have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma’am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I’m not stupid.
My Personal Favorite!!!
Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What’s the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!
And the winner is……….
Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn….I
think I’m going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police
Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking. Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!
Q:I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?(From England ) A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.
Q:Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (From USA )
A: Depends on how much you’ve been drinking.
Q:I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? (From Sweden )
A: Sure, it’s only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q:Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ?(From Sweden )
A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.
Q: Are there any ATM’s (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (From England )
A: What did your last slave die of?
Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? (From USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North…oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.
Q:Which direction is North in Canada ? (From USA )
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ?(From England )
A: Why not just use your fingers like we do .
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (From USA )
A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? (From Germany )
A: No, WE don’t need it as WE don’t stink.
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ?(From USA )
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (From Italy )
A: Yes, gay nightclubs ..
Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? (From USA )
A: Only at Thanksgiving.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?(From Germany )
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It’s a kind of big horse with horns. (From USA )
A: It’s called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )
A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.
1. The Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
2. The senior choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir.
3. The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
4. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
5. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, “Break Forth Into Joy.”
6. A songfest was hell at the Methodist church Wednesday.
7. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
8. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The Congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
9. Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.
10. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
11. Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.
13. The sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
14. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
15. Don’t let worry kill you, let the church help.
21. For those of you who have children and don’t know it we have a nursery downstairs.
22. Easter Sunday program: “Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar”.
23. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.