Funny Jokes

Do you want to know why I fired my Secretary!?   Ok!!!!
Last week was my birthday
and I didn’t feel very well
waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
“Happy Birthday!”,
and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out,
she barely said good morning,
let alone ” Happy Birthday.”

I thought… Well, that’ s marriage for you,
but the kids…They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn’t say a word.
So when I left for the office,
I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office,
my secretary Jane said,
“Good Morning Boss,
and by the way Happy Birthday ! “
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o’clock ,
when Jane knocked on my door and said, “You know,
It’s such a beautiful day outside,
and it is your Birthday,
what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.”
I said, “Thanks, Jane,
that’s the greatest thing
I’ve heard all day.
Let’s go !”

We went to lunch.
But we didn’t go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead at a quiet bistro
with a private table.
We had two martinis each
and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office,
Jane said, “You know,
It’s such a beautiful day…
We don’t need to go straight back to the office,
Do We ?”

I responded, “I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?”
She said, “Let’s drop by my apartment,
it’s just around the corner.”

After arriving at her apartment,
Jane turned to me and said,” Bo ss, if you don’t mind,
I’m going to step into the bedroom
for just a moment.
I’ll be right back.”
“Ok.” I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes, she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake …
Followed by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing “Happy Birthday”.
And I just sat there………
On the couch………….
Naked.

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Iraqi desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, ‘Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ‘urges’

That’s why we have Molly the Camel.’

The Captain says, ‘I can’t say that I condone this, but I understand about ‘urges’, so the camel can stay.’

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own ‘urges’. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he’s done, he asks the Sergeant, ‘Is that how the men do it?

No not really, sir… ‘They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are’.

In this video, a translator is needed for a very important international corporate meeting. The guy is at the end of his rope looking for a translator… after all, he doesn’t want to loose the business. Thank goodness, a fine young lady comes to his rescue…

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a
large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write Spaghetti” on the back.
He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
His wife said, “Honey, you received a very strange post card today.”
“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it,” he said.
The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card,
turned white, and collapsed.
On the card was written: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without!
Request bread.

From a recent meeting: “We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done”.

From the Boss: “I didn’t say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you.”
From the Boss: “We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired.”

From the Boss: “What you see as a glass ceiling, I see as a protective barrier.”
From the Boss after overriding the decision of a task force he created to find a solution: “I’m sorry if I ever gave you the impression your input would have any effect on my decision for the outcome of this project!”

From HR Manager to job candidate: “I see you’ve had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you’re under-qualified for our entry level positions.”
From telephone inquiry: “We’re only hiring one summer intern this year and we won’t start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss’ daughter finishes her summer classes.

 We put the “k” in “kwality.”
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos… then you probably haven’t completely understood the gravity of the situation.
Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
If something doesn’t feel right, you’re not feeling the right thing.
Hang in there; retirement is only 30 years away!
Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
A person who smiles in the face of adversity… Probably has a scapegoat.
Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
TEAMWORK… means never having to take all the blame yourself.
Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
When the going gets tough, the tough, take a coffee break.
Indecision is the key to flexibility.
Aim Low; Reach Your Goals; Avoid Disappointment.
We waste more time by 8:00 in the morning than other companies do all day.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Work: It isn’t just for sleeping anymore.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very high up.

A turkey was chatting with a bull. I would love to be able to get to the top of the tree, sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree…

Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him.

1. Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2. Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. And,
3. When you’re in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of University, “What starting salary were you thinking about?”The Engineer said, “In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer said, “Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a BMW?”

The Engineer sat up straight and said, “Wow! Are you kidding?”

The interviewer replied, “Yeah, but you started it.”

Dear Staff,
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada sneakers and carrying a Gucci bag we assume that you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress in-between, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday and Sunday.

LUNCH BREAKS:
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch as they need to eat more so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average size. Fat people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim Fast and take a diet pill.

SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. There is now a strict 3 minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet pater roll will retract, the stall door will open and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offender” category.

SURGERY:
As long as you are employed here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed will constitute a breach of employment.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplation, and input should be directed elsewhere. Have a nice week.

A one-dollar bill met a twenty-dollar bill and said, “Hey, where’ve you been? I haven’t seen you around here much.”
The twenty answered, “I’ve been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?”

The one-dollar bill said, “You know, same old stuff… church, church, church.”

Stand up and act indignant. Demand that the boss tell you the ‘real’ reason this meeting has been called.
Spill coffee on the conference table. Produce a little paper boat and sail it down the table.
During a meeting, each time the boss makes an important point, (or at least one considered important), make a little noise like you are building up to an orgasm.
Stay behind as everyone else, including the boss, leaves. Thank them for coming.
Give a broad wink to someone else at the table. In time, wink at everyone. Sometimes shake your head just a little, as if to indicate that the speaker is slightly crazy and everybody knows it.
Arrange to have a poorly dressed young woman with an infant quietly enter the meeting, stare directly at the (male) speaker for a while, burst into tears, then leave the room.
Bring a hand puppet, preferably an animal. Ask it to clarify difficult points.
When there is a call for questions, lean back in your chair, prop your feet up on the table, smile contentedly, and say, “Well, here’s the way I see it, J.D.” (or any other impressive-sounding initials that are not actually your boss’s.)
Complain loudly that your neighbour won’t stop touching you. Demand that the boss make him/her stop doing it.
Bring a small mountain of computer printouts to the meeting. If possible, include some old-fashioned fanfold paper for dramatic effect. Every time the speaker makes a point, pretend to check it in one of the printouts. Pretend to find substantiating evidence there. Nod vigorously, and say “uh-huh, uh-huh!”

A tourist walks into a pet shop in Silicon Valley, and is browsing around the cages on display. While he’s there, another customer walks in and says to the shopkeeper, “I’ll have a C monkey, please”.

The shopkeeper nods, goes over to a cage at the side of the shop and takes out a monkey. He fits a collar and leash and hands it to the customer, saying “That’ll be $5,000″. The customer pays and walks out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist goes over to the shopkeeper and says, “That was a very expensive monkey, most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?”

“Oh”, says the shopkeeper, “that monkey can program in C with very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”

The tourist starts to look at the monkeys in the cage. He says to the shop keeper, “That one’s even more expensive, $10,000! What does it do?”

“Oh”, says the shopkeeper, “that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java, all the really useful stuff.”

The tourist looks round for a little longer and sees a third monkey in a cage on its own. The price tag round its neck says $50,000.

He gasps to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?”

“Well,” says the shopkeeper, “I don’t know if it actually does anything, but it calls itself a Consultant.”

The next time you get a rejection letter from a prospective employer.
Dear [name of the person who sent the rejection letter],

Thank you for your letter of [date of the rejection letter]. After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your firm.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals. Despite [name of the co or agency that sent you this letter]’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet with my needs at this time.

Therefore, I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation/job change, holiday, etc. - get creative here]. I look forward to working with you.

Best of luck in rejecting future candidates.

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill. He thought he’d fire the employee who came late to work the next morning.
But both employees came to work very early, so the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break.

Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break. Strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought he’d wait to see who would leave work the earliest and both employees stayed after closing.

Jill finally went to the coat rack & the manager went up to her & said, “Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don’t know whether to lay you or Jack off.”

Jill said, “Well, you’d better jack off, because I’m late for my bus.”