Funny Jokes

I bought a new Lexus 350 and returned to the dealer the next day complaining that I couldn’t figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. “Watch this!” he said. “Nelson!” The radio replied, “Ricky or Willie?” “Willie!” he continued and “On the Road Again” came from the speakers. Then he said, “Ray Charles!” and in an instant “Georgia on My Mind” replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days every time I’d say, “Beethoven,” I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I said “Beatles,” I’d get one of their awesome songs. Yesterday a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, “Ass Hole!”

Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar. Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch…..

Damn, I LOVE this car!!!

Oscar drove his brand new Mercedes to his favourite sporting goods store. He parked it outside and went in to do a little perusing with Jan, his regular sales woman.

Jan was a pretty blonde, and as Oscar walked into the store, she happily greeted him. But he requested to look around alone today before he needed her help. She obliged and let him do his thing.

Five minutes later, Jan came running up to him yelling, “Oscar! Oscar! I just saw someone driving off with your new Mercedes!”

“Dear God! Did you try to stop him?”

“No,” she said, “I did better than that! I got the license plate number!”

The three Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. Didn’t know that, did ya?

On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97º.. The three brothers walked into old man Henry Ford’s office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that three gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130º - turned on the air-conditioner and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them 3 million dollars for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for 2 million but they wanted the recognition by having a label ‘The Goldberg Air- Conditioner’ on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little bit Anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs’ name on 2 million Ford cars. They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on 4 million dollars and that just their first names would be shown.

And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls, the names ‘Norm, Hi, & Max’. And now you know .. The REST of the story.

You Don’t Have To Own A Cat To Appreciate This One! You don’t even have to

like ‘em!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned

on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet

and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and

we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn’t want

the cat shut in the house be cause she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat

runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t

want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night.. So, she

explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon,

‘He’s just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.’

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. ‘Sorry I took so long,’ I said, as

we drove away. That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her

with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I

grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a Blanket to keep her

from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass Downstairs and threw

her out into the back yard!’

The cab driver hit a parked car.

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones.

Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

A man was driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back seat.

The police stop him and say that he can’t drive around with the penguins in the car and should take them to the zoo. The man agrees and drives off.

The next day the same man is driving down the road with twenty penguins in the back and again.

He is stopped by the same police officer who says, “Hey! I thought I told you to take those to the zoo.”

The man replies, “I did. Today I’m taking them to the movies.”

There’s this guy walking along a road to town with his camel. Along the way, a trucker stops and asks if he needs a ride to town.

The guy says, “Yeah” and hops in.

The driver says, “What about your camel?” The guy said, “Oh, he’s ok, he knows his way to town”.

So the driver starts driving, he gets up to about 45-MPH, and he looks in his rear view mirror and sees the camel right behind him. He says to the guy, “Hey buddy ya know your camel is behind us?”

The guy says, “Yeah it’s ok, he knows his way to town, speed up a little”.

The driver speeds up to about 55-MPH. He’s driving along, and looks behind him and again sees the camel. And says to the guy, “Your camel is still there”.

The guy says, “He knows the way, speed up a little”. So the driver speeds up to 65-MPH. He drives for a bit, and looks behind him, and looks at the guy and says, “Hey Buddy, your camel he’s looking pretty rough”.

The guy asks, “Oh yeah, what’s he doing?”

The driver says, “Well, his ears are folded back and his tongue is hanging out.

The guy says, “HIS TONGUE IS HANGING OUT! TO WHICH SIDE?”

The driver says “To the left side”.

The guy says, “YOU’D BETTER HOLD YOUR COURSE, HE’S FIXIN’ TO PASS YA!”

For anyone who has commuted or even just driven on the 401 through Toronto, the 2007 version of the Ontario Driver’s Handbook has been rewritten to include the following guidance:

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident Ontario driver avoids using them.

2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you; the space will just be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less of a chance you have of getting hit.

4. Warning! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No-one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with P.Q. or Maritime plates. With no fault insurance, the other operator has nothing to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.

7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It’s a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures; they are given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in Ontario during rush hour, especially in the Greater Toronto Area.

9. Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that an Ontario driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is a sign of respect for the victim.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signalling. Ontario is the home of high-speed slalom-driving, thanks to the Department of Public Works, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers’ reflexes and keep them alert.

12. It is the tradition in Ontario to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move within three milliseconds of the light turning green.

13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or roll-over, it is important to exit your vehicle through the windshield right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.

14. Remember that the goal of every Ontario driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.

The Ontario
Registrar of Motor Vehicles

1. I can’t reach my license unless you hold my beer.
2. Sorry, Officer, I didn’t realize my radar detector wasn’t plugged in.
3.Aren’t you the guy from the Village People?
4. Hey, you must’ve been doin’ about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
5. Are You Andy or Barney?
6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
7. You’re not gonna check the trunk, are you?
8. I pay your salary!
9. Gee, officer! That’s terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

10. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
11. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That’s how far ahead of me they are.
12. When the Officer says “Gee. Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?” You probably shouldn’t respond with,”Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?”

Over a Gynecologist’s Office:

“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist’s office:

“Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck:

“Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels”

On a Proctologist’s door:

“To expedite your visit please back in.”

On a Plumber’s truck:

“We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber’s truck:

“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber!”

On a Church’s Billboard:

“7 days without God makes one weak.”

At a Tire Shop:

“Invite us to your next blowout.”

At a Towing company:

“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”

On an Electrician’s truck:

“Let us remove your shorts!”

In a Nonsmoking Area:

“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate

action.”

On a Maternity Room door:

“Push. Push. Push.”

At an Optometrist’s Office:

“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a Taxidermist’s window:

“We really know our stuff.”

On a Fence:

“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!”

At a Car Dealership:

“The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop:

“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:

“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the Electric Company:

“We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

(However, if you don’t, you will be.”)

In a Restaurant window:

“Don’t stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

At a Propane Filling Station:

“Thank heaven for little grills.”

At a Radiator Shop:

“Best place in town to take a leak.”

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too closely and completely tore off the door on the driver’s side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically that his Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. “I can’t believe how materialistic you lawyers are,” he said. “You are so focused on your possessions that you don’t notice anything else.” “How can you say such a thing?” asked the lawyer. The cop replied, “Don’t you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you.” “My God!” screamed the lawyer. “Where’s my Rolex?”

We Must Stop This Immediately !
Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper? Groceries are heavier? And, everything is farther away? Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they’re red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn’t even recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection. . Well, REALLY NOW!! - Even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You’re risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank. Do they think I actually “believe” the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they’re fooling?

I’d like to call up someone in authority to report what’s going on — but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they’ve printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in there!

All I can do is pass along this warning:
WE ARE UNDER ATTACK!

If my body were a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I’ve got umps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull … But that’s not the worst of it.
My headlights are out of focus and it’s especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here’s the worst of it –

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter. ….either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.”Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver,” Would you please take your seat so we can leave?”"Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, “they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a Cardinal, and I’d really like to drive today.”"I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! And what if something should happen?” protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.
“Who’s going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you,” says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph. (Remember, he’s German.)

“Please slow down, Your Holiness!” pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. “Oh, dear God, I’m gonna lose my license — and my job!” moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

“I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five.

“So bust him,” says the Chief.

“I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really big,” said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed,” All the more reason!”

“No, I mean really important,” said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, “Who ya got there, the Mayor?”

Cop: “Bigger.”

Chief: ” The Governor?”

Cop: “Bigger.”

Chief: “The President?”

Cop: “Bigger.”

“Well,” said the Chief, “Who is it?”

Cop: “I think it’s God!”

The Chief is stumped, ” You been drinking, John? “
Cop: ” No Sir.”

Chief: ” Then what makes you think it’s God?”

Cop: “He’s got the Pope as a chauffeur!”

Little Johnny was a curious little guy and was always asking questions.  One day, when his aunt was visiting, he went into his typical interrogation.  Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, how old are you?  Auntie: Well Johnny,  that’s not a question that you ask a lady.  Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, how much do you weigh?  Auntie: Johnny! That’s not a question you ask a lady.  Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, why don’t you and your boyfriend sleep in the same bed?  Auntie: Johnny, stop this! That’s not a question you ask a lady!  Johnny went off to play but the next day he was talking to his aunt again.  Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, I know how old you are. You’re 32 years old.  Auntie: Johnny! How do you know that?  Johnny: Auntie, Auntie, Auntie, I know how much you weigh. You’re 135 pounds.  Auntie: Johnny! How do you know that?  Johnny: And Auntie, Auntie, Auntie. I know why you don’t sleep in the same bed as your boyfriend.  Auntie: Johnny! Stop this! How do you know all this?  Johnny: Well, I found your driver’s license last night. Here it says that you’re 32 years old and here it says that you weigh 135 pounds. And right down here it explains why you don’t sleep in the same bed as your boyfriend.  Auntie: Where does it say that?
Johnny: Right here. It says you got an “F” in Sex.