Funny Jokes

The Alaska Department of Fish and Game recently issued this bulletin…”Warning: In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.

We advise outdoorsmen to wear noisy little bells on their clothing, so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them. We also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity.

Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear manure: Black bear manure is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear manure has little bells in it and smells like pepper.”

Forget Rednecks, here is what Jeff Foxworthy has to say about ‘Canucks’

-If your local Dairy Queen is closed from September through May, you may live in Canada.

-If someone in a Home Depot store offers you assistance and they don’t work there, you may live in Canada.

-If you’ve worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you may live in Canada.

-If you’ve had a lengthy telephone conversation with someone who dialed a wrong number, you may live in Canada.

-If you measure distance in hours, you may live in Canada.

-If you know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you may live in Canada.

-If you have switched from “Heat” to “A/C” in the same day and back again, you may live in Canada

-If you can drive 90 kms/hr through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard without flinching, you may live in Canada.

-If you install security lights on your house and garage, but leave both unlocked, you may live in Canada.

-If you carry jumpers in your car and your wife knows how to use them, you may live in Canada.

-If you design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you may live in Canada.

-If the speed limit on the highway is 80km and you’re going 90 but everybody is passing you, you may live in Canada.

-If driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you may live in Canada.

-If you know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction, you may live in Canada

-If you have more miles on your snow blower than your car, you may live in Canada.

-If you find 2 degrees “a little chilly”, you may live in Canada.

-if you spend more money for a snowmobile than you do for a car, you may live in Canada.

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes and decided to dye her hair brown.

She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

She asked the shepherd, “If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?”

He replied “Sure!” Out of the blue, she blurts out, “352!”

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep.

She looks and searches and finally picks out the cutest one.

He looks at her and says, “If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back!”

Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys
for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers.
“Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.”

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.

After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, ‘Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?’

Murphy said, ‘I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.’

The priest said, ‘Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat.

What changed your mind?’

Murphy said, ‘Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.’

The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; ‘After I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right ?’

Murphy slowly shook his head and said, ‘No, Father, after ya talked about Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left me hat.’

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets’, and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer’s favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result…The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.

Vote carefully…the bells are not always audible!

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
“Look Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual experience in picking lemons?”
“Well, as a matter if fact, yes!” she replied? “I’ve been divorced three times.”

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party. He’s brought before the Chief, who declares, ‘So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In three days paleface you will be sacrificed to the great God in the sky. But, before you die, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?’

The Lone Ranger responds, ‘I’d like to speak to my horse.’

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indians look on in amazement, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s wigwam and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. ‘You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.

What is your second request?’

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns - this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She too enters the Lone Ranger’s wigwam and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. ‘You are indeed a man of many talents, but tomorrow you die - ‘What is your last request?’

The Lone Ranger responds, ‘I’d like to speak to my horse . . . ALONE.’ The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s wigwam.

Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says:

‘Listen very carefully, you dickhead,

FOR THE LAST TIME . . . FETCH POSSE!!!!’

There is no arguing with cowboy logic. The Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a “more humane” solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower’s Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, an old boy in the in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, “Son, I don’t think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain’t fuckin’ our sheep - they’re eatin’ ‘em.”

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local man sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he’ll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi “G’day, mind if I talk to your dog?”

Villager: “The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Aussie.”

Ventriloquist: “Hello dog, how’s it going mate?”

Dog: “Doin’ allright.”

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: “Is this villager your owner?”(pointing at the villager)

Dog: “Yep”

Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”

Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief),

Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Kiwi: “Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either….I think.”

Ventriloquist: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”

Horse: “Cool”

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: “Is this your owner?” (pointing at the villager)

Horse: “Yep”

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

Kiwi: (in a panic) “The sheep’s a liar.”

An elderly man had owned a farm for years.

He had a large lake at the back with lots of fruit trees.

The lake was ideal for swimming, although he rarely did that anymore.

One lovely sunny day he decided to go down to the lake as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He took a bucket with him to bring back some fruit. As he neared the lake, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was six young women skinny-dipping, he made them aware of his presence and they all went to a deep part of the lake.
One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked.” Holding the bucket up he said,

“I’m here to feed the alligator.”
Moral: Old men can still think fast.

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV’s in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, “Oh Shit!”Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:”Hold my beer, I’m gonna try somethin’”

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren’t married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

“What in bag?” asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband”.

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
“Good trade…..”

A professor at the University of West Virginia is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve seen a ghost.

About 40 students raise their hands. “That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?

15 students raise their hands.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost. 3 students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”

Billy Bob, way in the back raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

As he reached the front of the room, the professor says, “Well, so tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.”

To which Billy Bob replied, “Shiiiiiit!!!. From way back thar I thought you said “Goats”!!

A professor at the University of West Virginia is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve seen a ghost.

About 40 students raise their hands. “That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?

15 students raise their hands.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost. 3 students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”

Billy Bob, way in the back raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

As he reached the front of the room, the professor says, “Well, so tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.”

To which Billy Bob replied, “Shiiiiiit!!!. From way back thar I thought you said “Goats”!!