This has got to be one of the FUNNIEST freakin videos out there… Recently my father sent me a paper he did on stress management in the work force… I would however like to end off that paper with the following…
All the best to my father… hahaha what a laugh this guys has… must be in the yoga.
A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
“Mom,” he asked, “are these my brains?”
“Not yet,” replied his mother.
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteadily on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident,
walked up and asked, “What the heck is going on here?”
The drunk, still staring down replied, “I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.”
We praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving away in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don’t shine
Respect the colorectal surgeon
It’s a calling few would crave
Lift up your hands and join us
Let’s all do the finger wave
When it comes to spreading joy
There are many techniques
Some spread joy to the world
And others just spread cheeks
Some may think the cardiologist
Is their best friend
But the colorectal surgeon knows…
He’ll get you in the end!
Why the colorectal surgeon?
It’s one of those mysterious things.
Is it because in that profession
There are always openings?
When I first met a colorectal surgeon
He did not quite understand;
I said, “Hey nice to meet you
But do you mind? We don’t shake hands.”
He sailed right through medical school
Because he was a whiz
Oh but he never thought of psychology
Though he read passages
A doctor he wanted to be
For golf he loved to play
But this is not quite what he meant…
By eighteen holes a day!
Praise the colorectal surgeon
Misunderstood and much maligned
Slaving away in the heart of darkness
Working where the sun don’t shine!
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. ‘Nurse’, he mumbles almost incoherently, from behind the mask. ‘Are my testicles black?’
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ‘I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.’ He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?’
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!’
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely…….
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?
The pastor asked if any one in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.
A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, “Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”
Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim and the wire wrapping he has.
She continued, “Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor’s say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”
`All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.
A man rose and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “Good morning, I’m Jim and I want to tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN, the word is - - - S-T-E-R-N-U-M.”
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
“Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. “
Now, close your eyes and repeat to yourself, “I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson”.
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ARSE THAN YOURS!
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, “Hello.”
“Mrs. Ward, please.”
“Speaking.”
“Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband’s biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband’s. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible.”
“What do you mean?” Mrs. Ward asks nervously.
“Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can’t tell which is your husband’s.”
“That’s dreadful! Can’t you do the test again?” questioned Mrs. Ward.
“Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t sleep with him.
A doctor finds himself at the pearly gates of heaven. There are easily 6,000 people in line being processed in. The doctor gets in line and starts talking to the person in front of him and in the conversation says, “I was a doctor”.
With that, the person yells out to the guard at the front of the line and says, “We’ve got a doctor here!”
Saint Peter rushes back and says “Come on in . . . Doctors don’t have to wait like everyone else!”
Just then, and old, old man with a long beard and flowing white gown wisks past all 6000 people in line and goes right into heaven. The fella says to Saint Peter, “Hey, who was that and why does he get to go first?”
Saint Peter says, “Oh, that was God… he thinks he’s a doctor!”
What did one eye say to the other eye?
“Between you and me, something smells!”
Ageing Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband.
She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.
Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.
Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, ‘Your heart would be just below your left breast’.
Later that night . . . after checking for the spot below her left breast, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”
“No,” he replied, “Arthritis.”
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”
Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc, ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’”
The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful.’”
A man was telling his neighbour, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”
“Really,” answered the neighbour. “What kind is it?”
“Twelve thirty.”
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. “Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?” he asks.
“Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Sure.”
“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks.
“No, I can remember it.”
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so’s not to forget it?”
He says, “I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. “
“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?” she asks.
Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!”
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
“Where’s my toast?”