Funny Jokes

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes and decided to dye her hair brown.

She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.

She asked the shepherd, “If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?”

He replied “Sure!” Out of the blue, she blurts out, “352!”

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep.

She looks and searches and finally picks out the cutest one.

He looks at her and says, “If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back!”

John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called ‘pullets’, and ten roosters, whose job it was to fertilize the eggs.

The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn’t perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.

The farmer’s favorite rooster was old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch’s bell hadn’t rung at all! John went to investigate.

The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

But to Farmer John’s amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn’t ring. He’d sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result…The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren’t paying attention.

Vote carefully…the bells are not always audible!

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
“Look Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual experience in picking lemons?”
“Well, as a matter if fact, yes!” she replied? “I’ve been divorced three times.”

There is no arguing with cowboy logic. The Sierra Club and the US Forest Service were presenting an alternative to Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population.

It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true methods of shooting and/or trapping the predator, the tree-huggers had a “more humane” solution. What they proposed was for the animals to be captured alive, the males castrated and let loose again and the population would be controlled. This was ACTUALLY proposed to the Wyoming Wool and Sheep Grower’s Association by the Sierra Club and the USFS.

All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.

Finally, an old boy in the in the back stood up, tipped his hat back and said, “Son, I don’t think you understand the problem. Those coyotes ain’t fuckin’ our sheep - they’re eatin’ ‘em.”

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village and sees a local man sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he’ll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi “G’day, mind if I talk to your dog?”

Villager: “The dog doesn’t talk, you stupid Aussie.”

Ventriloquist: “Hello dog, how’s it going mate?”

Dog: “Doin’ allright.”

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: “Is this villager your owner?”(pointing at the villager)

Dog: “Yep”

Ventriloquist: “How does he treat you?”

Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief),

Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”

Kiwi: “Uh, the horse doesn’t talk either….I think.”

Ventriloquist: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”

Horse: “Cool”

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: “Is this your owner?” (pointing at the villager)

Horse: “Yep”

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.”

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”

Kiwi: (in a panic) “The sheep’s a liar.”

An elderly man had owned a farm for years.

He had a large lake at the back with lots of fruit trees.

The lake was ideal for swimming, although he rarely did that anymore.

One lovely sunny day he decided to go down to the lake as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He took a bucket with him to bring back some fruit. As he neared the lake, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was six young women skinny-dipping, he made them aware of his presence and they all went to a deep part of the lake.
One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or to make you get out of the pond naked.” Holding the bucket up he said,

“I’m here to feed the alligator.”
Moral: Old men can still think fast.

A professor at the University of West Virginia is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve seen a ghost.

About 40 students raise their hands. “That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?

15 students raise their hands.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost. 3 students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”

Billy Bob, way in the back raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

As he reached the front of the room, the professor says, “Well, so tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.”

To which Billy Bob replied, “Shiiiiiit!!!. From way back thar I thought you said “Goats”!!

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!” The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?” One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said: ‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!’” The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and D+G tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd: “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?” The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers: “Sure. Why not?” The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturised HP LaserJet printer, turns to the shepherd and says: “You have exactly 1,586 sheep”. “That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep,” says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car. Then the shepherd says to the young man: “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?” The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: “Okay, why not?”. “You’re a consultant,” says the shepherd. “Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie. “But how did you guess that?” “No guessing required,” answers the shepherd. “You showed up here even though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew to a question I never asked, and you know eff-all about my business. “Now give me back my dog.”

Dear Ma and Pa: I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer The Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled. I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot And shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there’s warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food. But tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that Live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again. It’s no wonder these city boys can’t walk much. We go on “route” marches, which the Platoon Sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it is not my place to tell him different. A “route march” is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice, but awful flat. The Sergeant is like a schoolteacher. He nags some. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and Colonels just ride around and frown. They don’t bother you none. This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don’t know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don’t move. And it ain’t shooting at you, like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don’t even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes. Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain’t like fighting with that ole bull at home. I’m about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake. He joined up the same time as me. But I’m only 5′6″ and 130 pounds and he’s 6′8″ and weighs near 300 pounds dry. Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in. Your loving daughter, Gail

The teacher gave her class an assignment: Have their parents tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids returned with their stories. Little Ashley said, “I live on a farm and we have a lot of hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market when my little brother dropped the basket and they all broke. So the moral of this story is, ‘Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!’” “Very good,” said the teacher. Next Sarah raised her hand and said, “Our family are farmers too, but we raise chickens for meat. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got five live chicks. The moral is, ‘Don’t count your chickens before they hatch!’” “Very good, Sarah. Now Little Johnny, do you have a story?” “My daddy told me this story about Aunt Karen. She was a fighter pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break, then she landed in the middle of 100 Iraqi troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke. Then she chased down and strangled the last 10 with her bare hands.” “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?” And his reply — “Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking!

A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer. “What’s up, John?” asked the farmer. “Gosh Bob, I’ll tell you what … if I don’t sell a tractor soon, I’m gonna have to close my shop.” “Now John, things could be worse,” said Bob. “How do you figure?” asked John. “Well, John - you know my ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me! But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn’t you just know it…my damn pants fell down.” “And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I’ll buy a tractor from you TODAY!”

Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there. A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably. The other missionary can’t believe it! He says, “Whats wrong with you? We’re being boiled alive! They’re gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?” The other missionary says, “I just peed in the soup.”

There was an old cowhand who owned a small ranch in Montana. The Montana Wage & Hour Dept. claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.”I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,” demanded the agent.
“Well,” replied the rancher, “There’s my ranch hand who’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board.”

“The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board.”

“Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night.”

“That’s the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit,” says the agent.

“That would be me,” replied the rancher.

On the first day God created the cow. God said, “You must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years.” The cow said, “That’s a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I’ll give back the other forty.” And God agreed. On the second day, God created the dog. God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years.” The dog said, “That’s too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I’ll give back the other ten.” So God agreed (sigh). On the third day God created the monkey. God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I’ll give you a twenty year life span.” Monkey said, “How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don’t think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that’s what I’ll do too, okay?” And God agreed again. On the fourth day God created man. God said, “Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I’ll give you twenty years.” Man said, “What? Only twenty years? No way man. Tell you what, I’ll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?” “Okay,” said God. “You’ve got a deal.” So that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing; for the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family; for the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.