Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table. “Young man, we’re both 90 years old,” the husband said. “We may not have 45 minutes.”
They were seated immediately.
I was in the express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the checkout line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, “So which eight items would you like to buy?”
Wouldn’t it be great if that happened more often?
She was Soooooooo Blonde
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says, “Sign here:” she wrote “Sagittarius.”
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde…
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked On Phonics”
She was Sooooooooooooooooo Blonde…
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said “Concentrate.”
* She told me to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and “DON’T WALK.”
* She tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.
She was Soooooooooooooooooooo Blonde…
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, “Airport Left,” she turned around and went home.
She Was Sooooooooooooooooooooo Blonde …
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she’d be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said “TGIF,” which she thought stood for “This Goes In Front.”
She is sooooooooooooooooo Blonde…
She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company……
Life isn’t like a bowl of cherries or peaches it’s more like a bottle of Tabasco sauce.What you do today may burn your backside tomorrow..
I met a homeless woman on the street.
I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless woman told me.
“Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?” I asked.
“No, I don’t waste time shopping,” the homeless woman said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive..”
“Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?” I asked.
“Are you NUTS !” replied the homeless woman. ” I haven’t had my hair done in 20 years!”
“Well,” I said, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.”
The homeless Woman was shocked. “Won’t your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”
I said, “That’s okay. It’s important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.”
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and
his wife decide that they won’t tell the kids what kind of meat it is but
will give them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what
the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, “it’s what mommy calls me sometimes.”
The little girl screams to her brother,
“Don’t eat it, it’s an asshole.”
I picked up this little ditty while surfin for dinner options!
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower. She said, “Mommy, you are getting fat!” I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy.” “I know,” she replied, but what’s growing in your butt?”
Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called ‘Yam.’ Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn’t get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like ‘Hot Potato,’ and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn’t stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins. When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland . . . And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries . . . And when she went out west, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn’t get scalloped. Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn’t associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, ‘Frito Lay.’ Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho PU. (that’s Potato University) so that when she graduated she’d really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw. Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn’t possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he’s just
A COMMON TATER
Whats homer simpson’s favorite ice creem?
Cholocate chip cooke d’oh
Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn as stuffing. Imagine that!! I thought it was perfect for people, like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.
6-7 lb. Chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is good)
1 cup uncooked popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER’S LOW FAT)
Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper.
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for the popping sounds.
When the chicken’s ass blows the oven door open and the chicken flies across the room, it is done.
And, you thought I couldn’t cook.
(not a real recipe, please dont try this at home hehe)
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
“I’m 90 years old,” he says.
“90!” replies the woman. “Don’t you realize you’ve had it?”
“Oh, sorry,” says the old man.
“How much do I owe you?”
One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife’ Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!’ His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn’t let such a comment go un rewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. ‘What the Hell is this??’ he said to himself as a little ‘dust’ cloud appeared when he shook them out. ‘April,’ he hollered into the bathroom, ‘Why did you put talcum powder in my underwear? ‘She replied with a snicker…’It’s not talcum powder……It’s ‘Miracle Grow’.’
Maybe I shouldn’t give you some of these, but here goes:
Investment tips for 2007: For all of you with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.
Watch for these consolidations in 2007.
1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R. Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.
2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.
3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:
MMMGood.
4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa.
5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.
6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.
7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
Poupon Pants.
8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!
And finally …
9. Victoria ’s Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
Titty Titty Bang Bang
A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.
One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.
Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he would pay her a
large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child
support until the child turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born.
To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write Spaghetti” on the back.
He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.
His wife said, “Honey, you received a very strange post card today.”
“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it,” he said.
The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card,
turned white, and collapsed.
On the card was written: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without!
Request bread.