This has got to be one of the FUNNIEST freakin videos out there… Recently my father sent me a paper he did on stress management in the work force… I would however like to end off that paper with the following…
All the best to my father… hahaha what a laugh this guys has… must be in the yoga.
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator says: “Calm down, I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: “OK, now what?
Where once it was simple shoulder massagers and turkey basters that had to be adapted to nefarious purposes, nowadays anything you can think of (and probably a few dozen things you could never think of) are out there to give some lonely shut-in the pleasure they can’t get from molesting a damp slice of bread or a pumpkin. Things like these …
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A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item fro m a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Jimmy Kimmel’s spared no expense in his well thought out response to his girlfriend Sarah Silverman’s “I’m F—ing Matt Damon” video. This is a great example of viral content exploding through a successful combination of both word of mouth marketing and effective use of Social Media tools such as YouTube, Facebook, and Digg.
At any rate, this is one for the funny jokes archive that will likely last and last at making people laugh for a number of years… In life, we should all be lucky enough not to take things so seriously all the time… there is always a time and a place to let Humor and Jokes rule your daily moments… I hope this one really makes you Laugh…
I can already see the “I’m F—ing Matt Damon” t-shirts and the “I’m F—ing Ben Affleck” bumper stickers.
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”
The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”
“Forget it, man;” said his partner, “you don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here!”
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle. From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underwear turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
Three convicts escape from prison. They make it to a nearby town but are confronted by a policeman. “Hey, aren’t you those three escaped convicts?” asked the policeman.
Thinking on his feet the first convict looked around at the store signs and said “no, I’m Mark, Mark Spencer”, “The second followed his lead and said “My names is William, W H Smith”. The third said “My name is Ken….. Tuckyfriedchicken”.
Newfie Airline Flight 101 was flying from St. Johns Newfoundland to
Fort McMurray in Northern Alberta one night, with Bill the Pilot and Glen the
co-pilot.As they approached Fort McMurray Airport, they looked out the front window.
‘Lord tunderin jeesus,’ said Bill, ‘will ye look at how fookin short dat runway is.’
‘You’re not fookin kiddin, Bill,’ replied Glen.
‘Right Glen. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse,’ saidBill.
‘Right, I’ll be doing dat,’ replied Glen.
‘And den ye put de flaps up straight away,’ said Bill.
‘Right, I’ll be doing dat,’ replied Glen.
‘And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can,’ said Bill.
‘Right, I’ll be doing dat,’ replied Glen.
‘And den ye pray to de Mother Mary wit all a’ your soul,’ said Bill.
‘I be doing dat already,’ replied Glen.
So they approached the runway with Bill and Glen full of nerves and
sweatypalms.As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Glen put the engines in
reverse, put the flaps up, stamped on the brakes and prayed to MotherMarywith
all of his soul. Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tires andlots of smoke,
the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end ofthe runway much to the
relief of Bill and Glen and everyone on board.
As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure,Bill looked out the
front window and said to Glen, ‘Dat has gotta be de ra
shortest fookin runway I have EVER seen in me whole life.’
Glen looked out the side window and replied, ‘Yeah Bill, but look
how friggin wide it is.’
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old actors never die, they just drop apart.
Old archers never die, they just bow and quiver.
Old architects never die, they just lose their structures.
Old bankers never die, they just lose interest.
Old basketball players never die, they just go on dribbling.
Old beekeepers never die, they just buzz off.
Old bookkeepers never die, they just lose their figures.
Old bosses never die, much as you want them to.
Old cashiers never die, they just check out.
Old chauffeurs never die, they just lose their drive.
Old chemists never die, they just fail to react.
Old cleaning people never die, they just kick the bucket.
Old cooks never die, they just get deranged.
Old daredevils never die, they just get discouraged.
Old deans never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old doctors never die, they just lose their patience.
Old electricians never die, they just lose contact.
Old farmers never die, they just go to seed.
Old mechanics never die, they just retire.
Old hackers never die, they just go to bits.
Old hardware engineers never die, they just cache in their chips.
Old hippies never die, they just smell that way.
Old horticulturists never die, they just go to pot.
Old hypochondriacs never die, they just lose their grippe.
Old investors never die, they just roll over.
Old journalists never die, they just get de-pressed.
Old knights in chainmail never die; they just shuffle off their metal coils.
Old laser physicists never die, they just become incoherent.
Old lawyers never die, they just lose their appeal.
Old limbo dancers never die, they just go under.
Old mathematicians never die, they just disintegrate.
Old milkmaids never die, they just lose their whey.
Old ministers never die; they just get put out to pastor.
Old musicians never die, they just get played out.
Old number theorists never die, they just get past their prime.
Old numerical analysts never die, they just get disarrayed.
Old owls never die, they just don’t give a hoot.
Old pacifists never die, they just go to peaces.
Old professors never die, they just lose their class.
Old photographers never die, they just stop developing.
Old pilots never die, they just go to a higher plane.
Old policemen never die, they just cop out.
Old preachers never die, they just ramble on, and on, and on, and on….
Old printers never die, they’re just not the type.
Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address.
Old programming wizards never die, they just recurse.
Old quarterbacks never die, they just pass away.
Old schools never die, they just lose their principals.
Old sculptors never die, they just lose their marbles.
Old seers never die, they just lose their vision.
Old sewage workers never die, they just waste away.
Old skateboarders never die, they just lose their bearings.
Old sailors never die, they just get a little dingy..
Old steelmakers never die, they just lose their temper.
Old students never die, they just get degraded.
Old tanners never die, they just go into hiding.
Old typists never die, they just lose their justification.
Walt Disney didn’t die. He’s in suspended animation.
Old white water rafters never die, they just get disgorged.
Old wrestlers never die, they just lose their grip.
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag.
He sits down and places the bag on the counter.
The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.
The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little
man, about 9″ high and sets him on the counter.
He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.
He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano.
The little man sits down at the piano, and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart!
“Where on earth did you get that?” says the bartender.
The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says: “Here. Rub it.”
So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there’s a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is
standing before him.
“I will grant you one wish… just one wish… each person is only allowed one!”
The bartender gets real excited without hesitating he says, “I want a million bucks!”
A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another.
Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they just keep coming!
The bartender turns to the man and says, “Y’know, I think your genie’s a little deaf. I asked for a
million bucks, not a million ducks.”
“No shit!!” says the man, “Do you really think I really asked for a 9 inch pianist?!
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, ‘Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass, what made ya come?’
Murphy said, ‘I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn came to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.’
The priest said, ‘Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat.
What changed your mind?’
Murphy said, ‘Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat after all.’
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; ‘After I talked about Thou Shalt Not Steal ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right ?’
Murphy slowly shook his head and said, ‘No, Father, after ya talked about Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery, I remembered where I left me hat.’
The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are Blue in the face.
The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner far too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say ’screw you.’
The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)
The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.
And; Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
You get a little each month, but not enough to enjoy your self.
A man boarded an aircraft at London and took his seat; as he settled in he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realized she was heading straight towards his seat and bingo! she took the seat right beside him. Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, “business trip or vacation?”
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said “Business. I’m going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States”. He swallowed hard, here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs! Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.” “Really”, he smiled, “what myths are those?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.”
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I really shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said…. “Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me
Paddy!”
