Funny Jokes

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Forget it, man;” said his partner, “you don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here!”

Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round. His buddies all chimed in and said, “Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.”
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, “Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.”

Number 2 guy says, “I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.”

Number 3 guy says, “Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.”

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they’ve lost their minds. “I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game.

I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning for either sex or golf ‘

And she said . . . “Take a sweater.”

After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house chatting. Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: “How did your game go? The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round… making the comment that she actually had 25 riders. The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a “Rider” was. The second was a blonde lady who quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders. The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders. The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long. The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term “rider” meant. But, because he didn’t want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left. He then approached the bartender and asked “Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to “Riders”?” The bartender simply smiled and said…”A ‘Rider” is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball.”

After a round of golf, four ladies sat around the club house chatting. Seeing the ladies, the Pro approached them and asked: “How did your game go? The first lady, a brunette, said she had a good round… making the comment that she actually had 25 riders. The Pro was a bit perplexed not knowing what a “Rider” was. The second was a blonde lady who quickly chimed in and said that she had a very good round as well with 16 riders. The third lady then said that her round was average and that she only had 10 riders. The fourth lady admitted that she played the worst round of the day and that she only had 2 riders all day long. The Pro was completely confused not knowing what the term “rider” meant. But, because he didn’t want to look dumb, he made a quick polite remark, wished the ladies well and then left. He then approached the bartender and asked “Hey, can you tell me what these ladies are talking about when they refer to “Riders”?” The bartender simply smiled and said…”A ‘Rider” is when you hit a shot long enough to ride on the golf cart to your ball.”

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them, “Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn’t turn up.” “Sure,” they said, “You’re welcome.” So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, “What do you do for a living?” “I’m a hit man,” was the reply. “You’re joking!” was the response. “No, I’m not,” he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight. “Here are my tools.” “That’s a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, “Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.” So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house. “Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window.” “Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she’s naked! What’s that? Wait a minute, that’s my neighbour in there with her …….. He’s naked as well! The bitch!” He turned to the hitman, “How much do you charge for a hit?” “I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.” “Can you do two for me now?” “Sure, what do you want?” “First, shoot my wife, she’s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbor, he’s a mate of mine, a bit of a lad, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.” The hitman took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes. “Are you going to do it or not?” said the friend impatiently. “Just wait a moment, be patient,” said the hitman calmly, “I think I can save you a grand here…..”

A man, while playing on the front nine of a complicated golf course, became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her, explained his confusion and asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.” He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened; and he approached her again with the same request. She said, “I’m on the 14th hole, you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 13th hole.” Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went to the clubhouse where he saw the same lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, “Let me buy you a drink in appreciation for your help. I understand that you are in the sales profession. I’m in sales, also. What do you sell?” She replied, “If I tell you, you’ll laugh.” “No, I won’t.” “Well, if you must know,” she answered, “I work for Tampax.” With that, he laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said, “See I knew you would laugh.” “That’s not what I’m laughing at,” he replied. “I’m a salesman for Preparation H, so I’m still a hole behind you!”

An elderly couple are sitting around one evening and the man says to his wife, “Marsha, we are about to celebrate our 60th wedding anniversary. We’ve had a wonderful life together, full of contentment and blessings. But there’s something I’ve always wondered about. Tell me the truth. Have you ever been unfaithful tome?” She hesitated a moment, then said, “Yes, Sidney, three times.” “Three times? How could that happen?” Sidney asks. Marsha replied, “Well, do you remember right after we were married and we were so broke that the bank was about to foreclose on our little house?” “Yes, dear, those were really difficult times,” replied Sidney. “And remember when I went to see the banker one night, and the next day the bank extended our loan?” Gosh, that’s really hard to take,” said Sidney. “But since things were so bad at the time, I guess I can forgive you. …………….. What was the second time?” “Well,” Marsha continued, “do you remember years later when you almost died of that heart problem because we couldn’t afford an operation?” “Yes, of course,” said Sidney. “Then you will remember that right after I went to see the doctor, he performed the operation at no cost?” “Yes, I remember,” said Sidney, ” and as much as that shocks me, I do understand that you did what you did out of love for me, so I forgive you. So, what was the third time?” Marsha lowered her head and said, “Do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club and you needed 62 more votes?

In the 16th and 17th centuries, before commercial fertilizer was invented, large shipments of manure were transported by ship. It was shipped in dry bundles because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet. But once water hit it at sea, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began, a by-product of which is methane gas. It didn’t take long for methane to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before somebody figured out what was happening. Once they determined the role that manure played in the explosions, everybody began stamping the bundles with the term “Ship High In Transit,” so that the sailors would know to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term “S.H.I.T,” which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I always thought it was a golf term.

Three golfers were on the 13th hole when they saw a beautiful woman in front of them. She was hitting the ball everywhere. They watched the woman for a couple more holes. Then she had a beautiful shot on the par three 14 yards from the pin. The guys went over to congratulate her. She said whoever can tell me how to get the ball in the hole, i will give you the best oral sex you ever had. So the first one knees down and says hit it towards the left and it should curve right into the cup. The second one says no go right and it is straight on. The third picks up the ball and says “Gimme”

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course, swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to the Lord and said, “Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing.” The Lord nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards (meters) away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to The Lord and said, “Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him.” The Lord smiled. “Think about it-who can he tell?”

Bill Clinton got the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, “Ribbit 9 Iron.” Bill looks around and doesn’t see anyone. Again, he hears, “Ribbit 9 Iron.” He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, “Wow!! That’s amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?” The frog replies, “Ribbit Lucky frog.” The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. “What do you think frog?,” Bill asks. “Ribbit 3 wood.” Bill takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. Bill is befuddled and doesn’t know what to say. By the end of the day, he’d golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,”OK where to next?” The frog replies,”Ribbit Las Vegas.” They go to Las Vegas and Bill says, “OK frog, now what?” The frog says, “Ribbit Roulette.” Upon approaching the roulette table, Bill asks, “What do you think I should bet?” The frog replies, “Ribbit $3000, black 6.” Now, this is a million-to- one shot to win, but after the golf game, Bill figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, “Frog, I don’t know how to repay you. You’ve won me all this money and I am forever grateful.” The frog replies, “Ribbit Kiss Me.” He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year old girl. “And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room, so help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton.”

The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place
her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of
underwear. “Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?” her
husband demanded. “Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to
afford any.” The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says,
“For the sake of decency, here’s $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.”
Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt
also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. Her husband says
“Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no knickers. Why not?” She replies, “I
can’t afford any on the money you give me.” He reaches into his pocket and
says, “For the sake of decency, here’s $20. Go and buy yourself some
underwear!”

Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over
her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. Her husband says “Sweet
mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?” She too explains,
“You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.” The Scotsman
reaches into his pocket and says, “Well, fer the love ‘o decency, here’s a
comb… Tidy yerself up a bit.”

A husband and wife came for counseling after 15 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 15 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week Can you do this?”

The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I golf.”

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”

A foursome is waiting on the men’s tee while another foursome of ladies is hitting from the ladies’ tee. The ladies are taking their time, when finally the last lady is ready to hit the ball. She hacks it 10 feet; goes over to
it, whiffs it; and then hacks it maybe another 10 feet; and then hacks it another 5 feet.She looks up at the men who are watching and says apologetically, “I guess all those f–king lessons I took this winter didn’t help.”
One of the men immediately replies, “Well, there you have it lady. You should have taken golf lessons instead.”