This has got to be one of the FUNNIEST freakin videos out there… Recently my father sent me a paper he did on stress management in the work force… I would however like to end off that paper with the following…
All the best to my father… hahaha what a laugh this guys has… must be in the yoga.
If you recently saw our post below from earlier this week, you gotta catch up with the full version, and an audience tribute…
This little ditty was sent to us today. Now we are not in the habbit of making fun of anyone, and in this case, the lady has a FANTASTIC voice, and is SO CONFIDENT that she knows english, and man it is more fun watching the female judge try not to fall over… really, she is a talented singer, she needs to concentrate on language to perfect things… Good for her for going for it. Ken Lee - Bulgarian Idol (WITH ENGLISH TRANSLATION)
Sent to us from Liana, and yes, thanks Liana, it did make us laugh…. really cute joke
A healthy young couple decided they wanted to get married would do so at a beautiful warm resort on the beach in the Caribean.
All was set up for the ceremony, the guests were in there chairs slowly sinking in the sand, the groom stood by the alter with a huge smile, and the minister stood patiently alongside awaiting the arrival of the bride to be. The evening was beautiful. The waves from the ocean lapped at the shore and the sun was performing a rich warm sunset.
Then she arrived and walked proudly down the beach holding her flowers and smiling from ear to ear. When she stood in front of the minister she put down the flowers and everyone saw she was topless.
The minister stopped and advised the young woman, “I can’t marry you like that, its not right.”
The young bride looked him in the eye and said, “yes you can, I have a divine right.”
The minister responded by saying; “yes you have a divine right, and you also have a divine left, but I can’t marry you dressed like that.”
Crack Found on Governor’s Daughter
[Imagine that!]
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[No, really?]
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[Now that’s taking things a bit far!]
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[Not if I wipe thoroughly!]
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[What a guy!]
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-sos!]
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[See if that works any better than a fair trial!]
War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
[You think?]
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[Who would have thought?]
Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
[They may be on to something!]
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?]
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[He probably IS the battery charge!]
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
[Weren’t they big enough?!]
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That’s what he gets for eating those beans!]
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Talk about a huge breast!
Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
It’s Cool Whip time!
If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!
Whew, that’s one terrific spread!
Are you ready for seconds yet?
It’s a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!
Don’t play with your meat.
Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?
I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!
You still have a little bit on your chin.
How long will it take after you stick it in?
You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.
Wow. I didn’t think I could handle all of that!
That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen!
How long do I beat it before it’s ready???
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto!, the blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer!
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget all about the toothache.
8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and duct tape.
If it doesn’t move and should, use WD-40.
If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
9. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
11. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance!
12. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, start out dead and git it out of the way.
Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day…You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work for 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you’re generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.
You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and finally you finish off as an orgasm.
I rest my case
This is a short story written by a grandson who had a very special relationship with his Grandpa. Many of us unfortunately were born after our own Granspa’s had passed on and never had the opportunity to enjoy moments like this. The grandson writes….
I hope this will again confirm that the most important information in your life won’t come from a teacher, the library or the internet. It comes from a mentor, and always on a very personal level. My long-passed grandfather’s birthday is coming up and for me, it is a time to reminisce.
We use to take long walks and drives together. He would make special trips to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him. I was young when he died. If he were living today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I’d be a better man. Those gems were all well and good, but the one I remember best came from him when I was only 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children with their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I’d find a woman and start my own family. Then he came to the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice when he said, “And be sure you marry a woman with small hands.”
“Why should I do that, Grandpa?” I asked.
“It makes your pecker look bigger.”
It kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?
…..supposedly taken from actual police car videos across the country……
#15 - “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new.
They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”
#14 - “Take your hands off the car, and I’ll make your
birth certificate a worthless document.”
#13 - “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
#12 - “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn’t know,
that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun.”
#11 - “So you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”
#10 - “Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help…
Oh… did I mention that ‘I’ am the shift supervisor?”
#9 - “Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again
or I’ll give you another ticket.”
#8 - “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.
Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
#7 - “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride
on rides and eat cotton candy.”
#6 - “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
#5 - “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”
#4 - “Just how big were those two beers?”
#3 - “No sir we don’t have quotas anymore. We use to have quotas but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”
#2 - “I’m glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail.”
…..And…..THE BEST ONE!!!!!
#1 - “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? ….You’re right, we don’t.
Sign here.
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational. In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet. As the drunk stood there, unsteadily on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident,
walked up and asked, “What the heck is going on here?”
The drunk, still staring down replied, “I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.”
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams. “We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like heck they’re getting divorced,” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way.”
1. Your house plants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favourite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of “hook up” and “break up.”
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as “dressed up.”
10. You’re the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won’t turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don’t know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald’s leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer “pretty good shit.”
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. “I just can’t drink the way I use to” replaces “I’m never going to drink that much again.”
23. 90% of the time you spend in from of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking “Oh shit, what the hell happened?”
BONUS:
26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn’t apply to you & can’t find one to save your sorry old butt.
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um … no.”
The lawyer interrupts, “or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. “or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”
· Can you cry under water?
· How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
· Why do you have to “put your two cents in”.. But it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?
· Once you’re in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
· Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
· What disease did cured ham actually have?
· How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
· Why is it that people say they “slept like a baby” when babies wake up like every two hours?
· If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
· Why are you IN a movie, but you’re ON TV?
· Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
· Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They’re going to see you naked anyway.
· Why is “bra” singular and “panties” plural?
· Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
· Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?
· If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can’t he fix a hole in a boat?
· Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They’re both DOGS.
· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
· If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
· Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
· Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
· Why do they call it an asteroid when it’s outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it’s in your butt?
· Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog’s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
· Do you ever wonder why you gave me your e-mail address in the first place?