Funny Jokes

Little Johnny got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards.
Little Johnny asked why he wore his collar that way. The man, who was a priest, said, “I am a Father.”
Little Johnny replied, “My daddy doesn’t wear his collar like that.”
The priest looked up from his book and answered, “I am the Father of many.”
Little Johnny said, “My dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn’t wear his collar that way.”
The priest, getting impatient, said, “I am the Father of hundreds,” and went back to reading his book.
Little Johnny sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said: “Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.

Little Johnny returns home from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.

“Why?” asks the father. “The teacher asked, ‘How much is 2 x 3?’, I said 6″ replied Johnny. “But that’s right!” says his dad.

“Yeah, but then she asked me, ‘How much is 3 x 2?”

“What’s the fucking difference?” asks the father.

“That’s what I said!” said Johnny.

A policeman caught a nasty Little Johnny with a penknife in one hand and a squirrel in the other.

“Now listen here,” the policeman said, “Whatever you do to that poor, defenseless creature I shall personally do to you”

Little Johnny kissed the squirrel’s butt and let it go”

Little Johnny comes home from school and his mother asks him what he learned. He said he had a new teacher who taught him all about AIDS. His mother was surprised that a seven-year-old child would be taught this. She asked her son what his teacher had told him and he replied “She told us that it was okay to walk on the sidewalk holding hands but we have to stay away from intersections and buy condominiums.”

For his birthday little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle . His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $180,000 and your mother just lost her job. There’s no way we can afford it.
The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”

Little Johnny told him, “I was walking past your room last night and heard you tell mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a $180,000 mortgage and no fucking bike!”

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner.
Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell
her mother what she wanted. “Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.”

Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at
school and at home. Carol’s mother asked her if she thought she deserved
to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.

Carol’s mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her
behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why
she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps
to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my
birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn’t true. She had not been a very good girl this
year, so she tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and
I wouldlike a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn’t true either. She tore up the letter and
started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I know I haven’t been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will
be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her
a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother
she wanted to go to church. Carol’s mother thought her plan had worked
because Carol looked very sad. ‘Just be home in time for dinner,’ her
mother said.

Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She
looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of
the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church,
down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and
sat down and wrote her letter to God.

LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment:

Have your parents tell you a story with a moral at the end.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their Stories.

‘Johnny, do you have a story to share?’

‘Yes ma’am. My daddy told a story about my Aunt Carol. She was a pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a small flask of whiskey, a pistol and a survival knife. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then her parachute landed right in the middle of twenty enemy troops.

She shot fifteen of them with the gun until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.’

‘Good Heavens’ said the horrified teacher. ‘What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from this horrible story?’

‘Stay the fuck away from Aunt Carol when she’s drinking.’

Here’s a truly heart warming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing he workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them ‘gems-in-the-rough’ more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother Who suggested that she take her ten dollars ‘pay’ she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally Impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”

‘Oh my goodness gracious,’ said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?” The little girl replied, “I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fucking sheet rock.”

A father asked his 10-year old son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.
“I don’t want to know,” the child said, bursting into tears.
“Promise me you won’t tell me.”
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
Little Johnny sobbed, “When I was six, I got the ‘There’s no Easter Bunny’ speech.

At seven, I got the ‘There’s no Tooth Fairy’ speech.

When I was eight, you hit me with the ‘There’s no Santa’ speech.

If you’re going to tell me that grown-ups don’t really get laid,
I’ll have nothing left to live for.”

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk to the kids to get a little PR. After his talk he offers question time.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him his name.
“Stanley,” responds the little boy.
“And what is your question, Stanley?”
“I have 4 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?”
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay-marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don’t have health insurance?
Just then, the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, “OK, where were we? Oh, that’s right, question time. Who has a question?”

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him his name.
“Little Johnny” he responds.
“And what is your question, Little Johnny?”
“Actually Sir, I have 6 questions:
First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN?
Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes?
Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?
Fourth, why are we so worried about gay marriage when 1/2 of all Americans don’t have health insurance?
Fifth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
And sixth, “WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO STANLEY?”

Little Johnny was in his nursery class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman, etc… Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. “My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer’s really good, he’ll go out to the alley with some screaming fag and have sex with them.” The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring, and took little Johnny aside to ask him, “Is that really true about your father?” “No,” said Johnny, “he plays for the Leafs but I was too embarrassed to say so”.

Little Johnny was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been playing outside for a while when he came into the house and asked her, “Grandma, what is it called when people are sleeping on top of each other?” She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. “It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.” Little Johnny just said, “OK” and went back outside to play. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, “Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It’s called bunk beds!”

The teacher gave her class an assignment: Have their parents tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids returned with their stories. Little Ashley said, “I live on a farm and we have a lot of hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market when my little brother dropped the basket and they all broke. So the moral of this story is, ‘Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!’” “Very good,” said the teacher. Next Sarah raised her hand and said, “Our family are farmers too, but we raise chickens for meat. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got five live chicks. The moral is, ‘Don’t count your chickens before they hatch!’” “Very good, Sarah. Now Little Johnny, do you have a story?” “My daddy told me this story about Aunt Karen. She was a fighter pilot in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break, then she landed in the middle of 100 Iraqi troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke. Then she chased down and strangled the last 10 with her bare hands.” “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?” And his reply — “Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking!

A teacher asks her class if anyone could use the word ‘indefinitely’ in a sentence. Well, Little Johnny has his hand raised in the back of the class.

But the teacher knows he’s a trouble maker and that he doesn’t know the answer, so she calls on Jim.

Jim replies, “Due to the weather, school was canceled indefinitely.” “Good” the teacher replies. “What about you Jenny?” Jenny says, “Since the bus broke down, transportation was stopped indefinitely.”

The teacher then says that the sentence was too much like the other one, and she asks if anyone can use it in a different way. So there’s Little Johnny waving his hand. And the teacher thinks … (Maybe he really does know the answer), so she calls on him. Johnny stands up and says,

“As I felt my balls slap off her ass, I knew that I was in definitely!

One day Little Johnny is in his back yard digging a hole. His neighbor, seeing him there, decides to investigate. “Whatcha doin?” he asks.

Little Johnny replies, “My goldfish died and I’m burying him.”

“That’s an awful big hole for a goldfish, ain’t it?” asked the neighbor.

Little Johnny shouts back, “That’s because he’s inside your fucking cat!”