Funny Jokes

Sent to us from Liana, and yes, thanks Liana, it did make us laugh…. really cute joke

A healthy young couple decided they wanted to get married would do so at a beautiful warm resort on the beach in the Caribean.

All was set up for the ceremony, the guests were in there chairs slowly sinking in the sand, the groom stood by the alter with a huge smile, and the minister stood patiently alongside awaiting the arrival of the bride to be.  The evening was beautiful.  The waves from the ocean lapped at the shore and the sun was performing a rich warm sunset. 

Then she arrived and walked proudly down the beach holding her flowers and smiling from ear to ear.  When she stood in front of the minister she put down the flowers and everyone saw she was topless.

The minister stopped and advised the young woman, “I can’t marry you like that, its not right.”

The young bride looked him in the eye and said, “yes you can, I have a divine right.”

The minister responded by saying; “yes you have a divine right, and you also have a divine left, but I can’t marry you dressed like that.”

A biker was riding along a California beach when suddenly the shy clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said, “Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.”

The biker pulled over and said, “Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.”

The Lord said, “Your request is materialistic, think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honour and glorify me.”

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, “Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say nothing’s wrong, and how I can make a woman truly happy.”

The Lord replied, “You want that bridge with two lanes or four?”

I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, start out dead and git it out of the way.

Then you wake up in an old age home feeling better every day…You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work for 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you’re generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa, room service on tap, larger quarters every day, and finally you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case

This is a short story written by a grandson who had a very special relationship with his Grandpa. Many of us unfortunately were born after our own Granspa’s had passed on and never had the opportunity to enjoy moments like this. The grandson writes….

I hope this will again confirm that the most important information in your life won’t come from a teacher, the library or the internet. It comes from a mentor, and always on a very personal level. My long-passed grandfather’s birthday is coming up and for me, it is a time to reminisce.

We use to take long walks and drives together. He would make special trips to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him. I was young when he died. If he were living today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I’d be a better man. Those gems were all well and good, but the one I remember best came from him when I was only 12. We were sitting in a park, watching children with their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I’d find a woman and start my own family. Then he came to the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice when he said, “And be sure you marry a woman with small hands.”

“Why should I do that, Grandpa?” I asked.

“It makes your pecker look bigger.”

It kinda brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, “They’re lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look ‘em over and pick the one you want.”

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man’s opinion.

“Well,” said the man, “she’s just a weeeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice….pigeon toed.”

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

“Well,” the man replied, “she’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell…crossed-eyed..”

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better.

So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

“She’s perfect, just perfect. She’s the one I want to marry.”

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.

He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

“Well,” explains the redneck…”She was just a weeee bit, not that you could hardly tell…. pregnant when you met her.”

…..supposedly taken from actual police car videos across the country……

#15 - “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new.

They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

#14 - “Take your hands off the car, and I’ll make your

birth certificate a worthless document.”

#13 - “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”

#12 - “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn’t know,

that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun.”

#11 - “So you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

#10 - “Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help…

Oh… did I mention that ‘I’ am the shift supervisor?”

#9 - “Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I’m warning you not to do that again

or I’ll give you another ticket.”

#8 - “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not.

Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”

#7 - “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride

on rides and eat cotton candy.”

#6 - “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

#5 - “In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC.”

#4 - “Just how big were those two beers?”

#3 - “No sir we don’t have quotas anymore. We use to have quotas but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

#2 - “I’m glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail.”

…..And…..THE BEST ONE!!!!!

#1 - “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? ….You’re right, we don’t.

Sign here.

$10,000

‘06 Suzuki GSXR 1000

Farmington, UT 84025

500-mile dealer service.

(Expensive)

It’s been adult ridden,

all wheels have always been on the ground.

I use it as a cruiser/commuter. I’m selling it because it was purchased without the proper consent of a loving wife. Apparently “do whatever the f*** you want” doesn’t mean what I thought.

Call me, Steve..800-555-5555

Alexander Potter was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen. One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the television set. “Hey,” Alex shouted, “what do you think you’re doing?”

“I am sick of sports, and I’m sick of TV,” his wife replied. “You haven’t touched me in months. We’re going to talk about sex right now!” “Okay, Okay. So…” After a moment, he asked, “How often do you think Brett Favre gets laid?”

During preseason training, a college football lineman married one of the team’s cheerleaders. The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his star football player, “You are such a big, burley guy. Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman? She is no bigger than your hand.” “That’s right, Coach,” replied the lineman. “But, she’s much better!”

After spending all day watching football, Harry fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up.

“Get up dear,” she said, “it’s 20 to seven.”

He awoke with a start and said, “In whose favour?”

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. He was driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Forget it, man;” said his partner, “you don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here!”

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair.

His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the red neck’s house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The red neck replied that it wasn’t easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.

A husband and wife are shopping in Tesco’s when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks it into the trolley.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.

“They’re on offer, only £10 for 24 cans”, he says.

“Put them back. We can’t afford it,” says the wife and they carry on shopping…

A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the man.

“It’s my face cream, it makes me look beautiful,” she says.

The man replies… “SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT’S HALF THE F***ING PRICE”

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?

At 8 — You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 — You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 — You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 — She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 — She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 — You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 — If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!

At 78 — What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

We praise the colorectal surgeon

Misunderstood and much maligned

Slaving away in the heart of darkness

Working where the sun don’t shine

Respect the colorectal surgeon

It’s a calling few would crave

Lift up your hands and join us

Let’s all do the finger wave

When it comes to spreading joy

There are many techniques

Some spread joy to the world

And others just spread cheeks

Some may think the cardiologist

Is their best friend

But the colorectal surgeon knows…

He’ll get you in the end!

Why the colorectal surgeon?

It’s one of those mysterious things.

Is it because in that profession

There are always openings?

When I first met a colorectal surgeon

He did not quite understand;

I said, “Hey nice to meet you

But do you mind? We don’t shake hands.”

He sailed right through medical school

Because he was a whiz

Oh but he never thought of psychology

Though he read passages

A doctor he wanted to be

For golf he loved to play

But this is not quite what he meant…

By eighteen holes a day!

Praise the colorectal surgeon

Misunderstood and much maligned

Slaving away in the heart of darkness

Working where the sun don’t shine!