Funny Jokes

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18″ of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, you might live in Minnesota.

If you’re proud that your state makes the national News 96 nights each year, because International Falls is the coldest spot in the nation, you might live in Minnesota.

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from November through March, you might live in Minnesota.

If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don’t work there, you might live in Minnesota.

If your dads suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of his forehead, You might live in Minnesota.

If you have worn shorts and a parka at the same time, you might live in Minnesota.

If your town has an equal number of bars and churches, you might live in Minnesota.

If you think that ketchup is a little too spicy, you might live in Minnesota.

Vacation means going up North past Virginia for the weekend, you might live in Minnesota.

If you know how to say Wayzata, Mahtomedia, Edina, Shakopee, Winton and Ely, You might live in Minnesota.

If you measure distance in hours, you might live in Minnesota.

You know several people who have hit a deer more than once, you might live in Minnesota.

You often switch from heat to A/C in the same day and back again, you might live in Minnesota

You see people wearing hunting clothes at special events, you might live in Minnesota.

You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching. You might live in Minnesota.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked, you might live in Minnesota.

You think of the major food groups as Beer, Fish and venison, you might live in Minnesota.

You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them, you might live in Minnesota.

There are 7 empty cars running in the parking lot at Zups Grocery Store at any given time, You might live in Minnesota.

You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit, you might live in Minnesota.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled with snow, you might live in Minnesota.

You know all 4 seasons: almost winder, winter, still winter and road construction, you might live in Minnesota.

You consider Minneapolis exotic, you might live in Minnesota.

Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce, you might live in Minnesota.

Down South means Iowa, A brat is something you eat, You go out to fish fry every Friday,

You find 0 degrees a little chilly; you really just might live in Minnesota!

Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity

*****

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t Be Wrong!

*****

Arizona: But It’s A Dry Heat

*****

Arkansas: Literacy Ain’t Everything

*****

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

*****

Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother

*****

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy’s Don’t Own It Yet

*****

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

*****

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

*****

Georgia: We Put The “Fun” In Fundamentalist Extremism

*****

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru

(Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

*****

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes…Well Okay, We’re Not, But The Potatoes Are Real Good

*****

Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce The “S”

*****

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

*****

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

*****

Kansas: First Of The Rectangular States

*****

Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names

*****

Louisiana: We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos,

But That’s Our Tourism Campaign

*****

Maine: We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

*****

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

*****

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets

*****

Michigan: First Line Of Defence - From The Canadians

*****

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes….And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

*****

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

*****

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

*****

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Uni-bomber, Right-wing Crazies

And Very Little Else

*****

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

*****

Nevada: Hookers And Poker!

*****

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

*****

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

*****

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

*****

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent,

You Have The Right To An Attorney…

*****

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

*****

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

*****

Ohio: At Least We’re Not Michigan

*****

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

*****

Oregon: Spotted Owl…It’s What’s For Dinner

*****

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

*****

Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island

*****

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War?

We Didn’t Actually Surrender

*****

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

*****

Tennessee: The Educashun State

*****

Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)

*****

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus!

*****

Vermont: Yep

*****

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don’t Mix?

*****

Washington: Help! We’re Over-run By Nerds And Slackers!

*****

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

*****

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family…..Really!

*****

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Students were assigned to read 2 books, “Titanic” & “My Life” by Bill Clinton.

One smart ass student turned in the following book report, with the position that they were nearly identical stories! His cool professor gave him an A+ for his report:

Titanic: $29.99 * Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over 3 hours to read * Clinton: Over 3 hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack & Rose, their forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe *

Clinton: The story of Bill & Monica, their forbidden love and subsequent catastrophe

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist * Clinton: Bill is a bullshit artist

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar * Clinton: Ditto for Bill

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose’s dress gets ruined * Clinton: Ditto for Monica

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit * Clinton: Let’s Not Go There

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry * Clinton: Monica’s forced to return her gifts

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life * Clinton: Clinton doesn’t remember Jack

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen * Clinton: Monica…ooh, let’s not go there either

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death * Clinton: Bill goes home to Hilary…basically the same thing

Last week I purchased a burger & fries at McDonalds for $3.58.

The counter girl took my $4.00 and I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies. While looking at the screen on her register, I sensed her discomfort & I tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but when I tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried.

Why do I tell you this? - - - Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

Teaching Math in 1950

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production

is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

Teaching Math in 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes?

(There are no wrong answers.)

Teaching Math in 2007

Un ranchero vende una carretera de madera papa $100. El cuesto de la produccion era $80. Cuantos tortillas se puede comprar?

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff’s deputy.

He thinks he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and he is certain that he is better educated than any cop from Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and to have some fun at the Texas deputy’s expense!!

Deputy says: “License and Registration please.”

Lawyer says: “What for?”

Deputy says: “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”

Lawyer says: “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”

Deputy says: “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”

Lawyer says: “What’s the difference?”

Deputy says: “The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration please!”

Lawyer says: “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration; and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”

Deputy says: “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, please Sir.”

The deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it and then says, “Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?”

I bought a new Lexus 350 and returned to the dealer the next day complaining that I couldn’t figure out how the radio worked. The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated. “Watch this!” he said. “Nelson!” The radio replied, “Ricky or Willie?” “Willie!” he continued and “On the Road Again” came from the speakers. Then he said, “Ray Charles!” and in an instant “Georgia on My Mind” replaced Willie Nelson.

I drove away happy, and for the next few days every time I’d say, “Beethoven,” I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I said “Beatles,” I’d get one of their awesome songs. Yesterday a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but I swerved in time to avoid them. I yelled, “Ass Hole!”

Immediately the French National Anthem began to play, sung by Jane Fonda backed up by Michael Moore and The Dixie Chicks, with John Kerry on guitar. Al Gore on drums, Dan Rather on harmonica, Nancy Pelosi on tambourine, Harry Reid on spoons, Bill Clinton on sax and Ted Kennedy on scotch…..

Damn, I LOVE this car!!!

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a

barn with everyone else’s cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The

government gives you as much milk they think you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else’s cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone to tell you who get the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbours try to take the cows and kill you.

CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing, and cares less, tries to make your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking Continental,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”

“Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline”.

Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.”

“Don’t go any further I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they’re overpriced.” “So, whatcha’ doing when you get there?”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant.” “Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.”

“And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodelling job, and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city.

They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand!

I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”

“Oh, really! What’d he say?”

He said: “Where’d you get that shitty Hairdo?”

The three Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. Didn’t know that, did ya?

On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97º.. The three brothers walked into old man Henry Ford’s office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that three gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130º - turned on the air-conditioner and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them 3 million dollars for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for 2 million but they wanted the recognition by having a label ‘The Goldberg Air- Conditioner’ on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little bit Anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs’ name on 2 million Ford cars. They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on 4 million dollars and that just their first names would be shown.

And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls, the names ‘Norm, Hi, & Max’. And now you know .. The REST of the story.

President Clinton is out jogging, and he encounters a man with some new-born puppies. Clinton asks the man what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, “They’re Democrat puppies, Mr. President.”

Clinton thinks that is so great that the next day he brings the first lady to see these puppies for herself. He asks the man to tell Hillary what kind of puppies they are, and the man responds, “They’re Republican puppies.”

The president looks puzzled and says, “Yesterday, you told me they were Democrat puppies.”

The man smiles and says, “Yesterday, they were. But today, they have their eyes open!”

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

____

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

____

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you

forgot?

____

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, “Where am I, Cathy?”

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

____

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?

WITNESS: We both do.

ATTORNEY: Voodoo?

WITNESS: We do.

ATTORNEY: You do?

WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.

____

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

____

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty-one.

____

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shittin’ me?

____

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh…. I was getting laid!

____

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

WITNESS: What? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I

get a new attorney?

___

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

____

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

____

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

____

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?

____

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

____

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

____

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh….are you qualified to ask that question?

___

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords Kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu

understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in

ze forst plas.

Over a Gynecologist’s Office:

“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist’s office:

“Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck:

“Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels”

On a Proctologist’s door:

“To expedite your visit please back in.”

On a Plumber’s truck:

“We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber’s truck:

“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber!”

On a Church’s Billboard:

“7 days without God makes one weak.”

At a Tire Shop:

“Invite us to your next blowout.”

At a Towing company:

“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”

On an Electrician’s truck:

“Let us remove your shorts!”

In a Nonsmoking Area:

“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate

action.”

On a Maternity Room door:

“Push. Push. Push.”

At an Optometrist’s Office:

“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”

On a Taxidermist’s window:

“We really know our stuff.”

On a Fence:

“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!”

At a Car Dealership:

“The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”

Outside a Muffler Shop:

“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”

In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:

“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”

At the Electric Company:

“We would be delighted if you send in your payment.

(However, if you don’t, you will be.”)

In a Restaurant window:

“Don’t stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.”

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:

“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”

At a Propane Filling Station:

“Thank heaven for little grills.”

At a Radiator Shop:

“Best place in town to take a leak.”

Once upon a time, in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys
for $10 each.

The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest, and started catching them.

The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 ! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers.
“Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.”

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.

Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Now that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics, these are some questions people from all over the world are asking. Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website. Obviously the answers are a joke; but the questions were really asked!

Q:I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow?(From England ) A. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die.

Q:Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (From USA )

A: Depends on how much you’ve been drinking.

Q:I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto - can I follow the Railroad tracks? (From Sweden )

A: Sure, it’s only Four thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q:Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada ?(From Sweden )

A: So it’s true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATM’s (cash machines) in Canada ? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (From England )

A: What did your last slave die of?

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada ? (From USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.. Ca-na-da is that big country to your North…oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Calgary. Come naked.

Q:Which direction is North in Canada ? (From USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees Contact us when you get here and we’ll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Canada ?(From England )

A: Why not just use your fingers like we do .

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir schedule? (From USA )

A: Aus-t ri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is…oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Vancouver and in Calgary, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in Canada ? (From Germany )

A: No, WE don’t need it as WE don’t stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Where can I sell it in Canada ?(From USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in British Columbia where the female population is smaller than the male population? (From Italy )

A: Yes, gay nightclubs ..

Q: Do you celebrate Thanksgiving in Canada ? (From USA )

A: Only at Thanksgiving.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Toronto and is milk available all year round?(From Germany )

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of Vegan hunter/gathers. Milk is illegal.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Canada , but I forget its name. It’s a kind of big horse with horns. (From USA )

A: It’s called a Moose. They are tall and very violent, eating the brains of anyone walking close to them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA )

A: Yes, but you will have to learn it first.