Funny Jokes

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, “They’re lookin’ to get married, so you came to the right place. Look ‘em over and pick the one you want.”

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man’s opinion.

“Well,” said the man, “she’s just a weeeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice….pigeon toed.”

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

“Well,” the man replied, “she’s just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell…crossed-eyed..”

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better.

So he did. The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

“She’s perfect, just perfect. She’s the one I want to marry.”

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine.

He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

“Well,” explains the redneck…”She was just a weeee bit, not that you could hardly tell…. pregnant when you met her.”

Kentucky couple, both bonified rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband “fixed”. The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked them what finally made them make the decision…why after nine children, would they choose to do this.

The husband replied that they had read a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn’t want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the electric chair.

His brother found out that a red neck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the red neck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the red neck’s house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

The red neck replied that it wasn’t easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him go.

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, “You skin this one while I go and get another one!”

Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her
mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and
Violence on my VCR?

Dear Abby,
I have a man I can’t trust. He cheats so much, I’m not even sure the baby I’m carrying is his.

Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost but I don’t know him well enough to
discuss money with him.

Dear Abby,
I’ve suspected that my husband has been fooling around and, when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.

Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now how do I get out?

Dear Abby,
My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.

Dear Abby,
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn’t know he drank until one night he came home sober. (I love this one!!)

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going
through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in
sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in
sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?

Reason why it’s so hard to solve a redneck murder:
All the DNA is the same.

The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an Indian war party. He’s brought before the Chief, who declares, ‘So, you are the great Lone Ranger. In three days paleface you will be sacrificed to the great God in the sky. But, before you die, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?’

The Lone Ranger responds, ‘I’d like to speak to my horse.’

The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away.

Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indians look on in amazement, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s wigwam and spends the night.

The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. ‘You have very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days.

What is your second request?’

The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.

Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns - this time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She too enters the Lone Ranger’s wigwam and spends the night.

The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. ‘You are indeed a man of many talents, but tomorrow you die - ‘What is your last request?’

The Lone Ranger responds, ‘I’d like to speak to my horse . . . ALONE.’ The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s wigwam.

Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says:

‘Listen very carefully, you dickhead,

FOR THE LAST TIME . . . FETCH POSSE!!!!’

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with U.S. auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black box voice recorders in four-wheel drive pickup trucks and SUV’s in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash. They were surprised to find in 44 of the 50 states the recorded last words of drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, “Oh Shit!”Only the states of Oklahoma, Tennessee, Missouri, Arkansas, Alabama, and Texas were different, where 89.3 percent of the final words were:”Hold my beer, I’m gonna try somethin’”

Three nuns were attending a Hockey game. Three men were sitting directly behind them. Because their habits were partially blocking the view, the men decided to badger the nuns hoping that they’d get annoyed enough to move to another area.
In a very loud voice, the first guy said, “I think I’m going to move to Utah, there are only 100 nuns living there.”

Then the second guy spoke up and said, “I want to go to Montana, there are only 50 nuns living there.”

The third guy said, “I want to go to Idaho, there are only 25 nuns living there.”

One of the nuns turned around, looked at the men, and in a very sweet and calm voice said

“Why don’t you just go to Hell, there aren’t any nuns there.”

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren’t married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

“What in bag?” asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband”.

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
“Good trade…..”

‘Hello, is this the Sheriff’s Office?’
‘Yes. What can I do for you?’

‘I’m calling to report ’bout my neighbor Virgil Smith….He’s hidin’ marijuana inside his firewood! Don’t quite know how he gets it inside them logs, but he’s hidin’ it there.’

‘Thank you very much for the call, sir.’

The next day, the Sheriff’s Deputies descend on Virgil’s house.

They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil’s house.

‘Hey, Virgil! This here’s Floyd….Did the Sheriff come?’

‘Yeah!’

‘Did they chop your firewood?’

‘Yep!’

‘Happy Birthday, buddy!’

Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him..
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the
ostrich, “What’s yours?”
“I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be
$9.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the
exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A
hamburger, fries and a coke.”
The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. “The usual?” asks the
waitress.
“No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a
salad,” says the man.
“Same,” says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be $32.62.”
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places
it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.
“Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change in your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and
found an old lamp.

When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.
My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just
put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be
there.”
“That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would ask for a
million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want
for as long as you live!”
“That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there,” says the man.
The waitress asks, “What’s with the ostrich?”

The man sighs, pauses and answers, “My second wish was for a tall chick
with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

A professor at the University of West Virginia is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?” About 90 students raise their hands.
“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve seen a ghost.

About 40 students raise their hands. “That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?

15 students raise their hands.

Has anyone here ever touched a ghost. 3 students raise their hands.

“That’s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further… Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”

Billy Bob, way in the back raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has claimed to have made love to a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”

The redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

As he reached the front of the room, the professor says, “Well, so tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.”

To which Billy Bob replied, “Shiiiiiit!!!. From way back thar I thought you said “Goats”!!

A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Iraqi desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
The nervous sergeant said, ‘Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have ‘urges’

That’s why we have Molly the Camel.’

The Captain says, ‘I can’t say that I condone this, but I understand about ‘urges’, so the camel can stay.’

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own ‘urges’. Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel. When he’s done, he asks the Sergeant, ‘Is that how the men do it?

No not really, sir… ‘They usually just ride the camel into town where the girls are’.

An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pick up truck on I-40 and says to the driver, “Got any ID?” The driver says, “‘Bout what?” ****** Two Mississippians are walking toward each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, “Hey Tommy Ray, whatcha got in th’ bag?” “Jes’ some chickens.” “If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?” “Shoot, if ya guesses right, I’ll give you both of ‘em!” “OK. Ummmmm…five?” ****** An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire. He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, “Hurry over here- muh house is on fahr!” “OK,” replied the fireman, “how do we get there?” “Shucks, don’t you fellers still have those big red trucks?” ****** Why do folks in Kentucky go to R-rated movies in groups of 18 or more? Because they heard 17 and under aren’t admitted. ***** Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911-operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. “Where do you live?” asked the operator. Bubba replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.” The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?” After a long pause, Bubba said, “How ’bout I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?” **** Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in Tennessee to 32? They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools. ****** What do they call reruns of “Hee Haw” in Mississippi? Documentaries ****** Where was the toothbrush invented? Arkansas. If it were invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush. ****** Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Tennessee State Lottery? The winner gets $3 a year for a million years. ******* A new law was recently passed in North Carolina so that when a couple gets divorced, they’re still brother and sister. ****** What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas and a hurricane in Florida have in common? No matter what, somebody’s fixin’ to lose a trailer. ****** How do you know when you’re staying in a Kentucky hotel? When you call the front desk and say “I’ve got a leak in my sink,” and the person at the front desk says, “Go ahead.” ***** I hope you enjoyed this redneck humor as much as I did. Remember, nurture your inner adolescent, daily. That will keep you young however obnoxious you may grow.