Funny Jokes

Sent to us from Liana, and yes, thanks Liana, it did make us laugh…. really cute joke

A healthy young couple decided they wanted to get married would do so at a beautiful warm resort on the beach in the Caribean.

All was set up for the ceremony, the guests were in there chairs slowly sinking in the sand, the groom stood by the alter with a huge smile, and the minister stood patiently alongside awaiting the arrival of the bride to be.  The evening was beautiful.  The waves from the ocean lapped at the shore and the sun was performing a rich warm sunset. 

Then she arrived and walked proudly down the beach holding her flowers and smiling from ear to ear.  When she stood in front of the minister she put down the flowers and everyone saw she was topless.

The minister stopped and advised the young woman, “I can’t marry you like that, its not right.”

The young bride looked him in the eye and said, “yes you can, I have a divine right.”

The minister responded by saying; “yes you have a divine right, and you also have a divine left, but I can’t marry you dressed like that.”

Talk about a huge breast!

Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

It’s Cool Whip time!

If I don’t undo my pants, I’ll burst!

Whew, that’s one terrific spread!

Are you ready for seconds yet?

It’s a little dry; do you still want to eat it?

Just wait your turn, you’ll get some!

Don’t play with your meat.

Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

Do you think you’ll be able to handle all these people at once?

I didn’t expect everyone to come at once!

You still have a little bit on your chin.

How long will it take after you stick it in?

You’ll know it’s ready when it pops up.

Wow. I didn’t think I could handle all of that!

That’s the biggest one I’ve ever seen!

How long do I beat it before it’s ready???

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

“Mom,” he asked, “are these my brains?”

“Not yet,” replied his mother.

The boss was in a quandry. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Katie or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Katie came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went straight to the water cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said, “Katie, I’ve never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.”

“I’d rather you jack off,” she replied. “I really feel like shit this morning!”

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.” “Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. “Two dogs, please,” says one. The vendor is very pleased to ovlige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over. Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their ‘dogs’. The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, “What part did you got?”

Alexander Potter was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen. One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the television set. “Hey,” Alex shouted, “what do you think you’re doing?”

“I am sick of sports, and I’m sick of TV,” his wife replied. “You haven’t touched me in months. We’re going to talk about sex right now!” “Okay, Okay. So…” After a moment, he asked, “How often do you think Brett Favre gets laid?”

During preseason training, a college football lineman married one of the team’s cheerleaders. The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his star football player, “You are such a big, burley guy. Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman? She is no bigger than your hand.” “That’s right, Coach,” replied the lineman. “But, she’s much better!”

There were three daughters and they all wanted to get married but they couldn’t afford it and neither could there parents. So the parents said “We will give you all a joint wedding and then you will all be able to get married”.

So they got married and all three daughters then said “I want a honeymoon but we cant afford it”. The parents couldn’t afford it either so they decided they would have the honeymoon at their parents house.

So on there honeymoon night their mother woke up and decided to go downstairs and get a drink. On the way down she heard the first daughter screaming but she just ignored it. When she reached the second daughters bedroom she could hear laughing and just ignored it. When she reached the third daughters room she could hear nothing and decided to ignore it.

The next morning at the breakfast table she said to the first daughter “Why were you screaming?” And the daughter replied “Well mother you told me to scream when something hurt.”

Then the mother said to the second daughter “Why were you laughing last night?” and the daughter replied “Mother you told me to laugh when something tickled”.

Then the mother said to the last daughter “Why didn’t I hear anything coming from your room last night?” and the daughter replied “Well mother you told me never to talk with my mouth full”.

One day there were four nuns in line for confessional.

The first nun said, “Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.”

He asked how.

She said “I saw a man’s private part.” He told her to wash her eyes with holy water.

The second nun comes in and says, “Forgive me, father, for I have sinned.”

He asked how.

“I touched a man’s private parts.” He told her to wash her hands in holy water.

Then he heard the third and fourth nun fighting. He asked why they were fighting.

The fourth nun said, “I’m not going to wash my mouth in the holy water if she is going to sit in it.”

TAKING A WOMAN TO BED

What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ?

At 8 — You take her to bed and tell her a story.

At 18 — You tell her a story and take her to bed.

At 28 — You don’t need to tell her a story to take her to bed.

At 38 — She tells you a story and takes you to bed.

At 48 — She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.

At 58 — You stay in bed to avoid her story.

At 68 — If you take her to bed, that’ll be a story!

At 78 — What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you???

A little boy goes to his father and asks ‘Daddy, how was I born?’

The father answers, ‘Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

‘You got Male!’

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. ‘Nurse’, he mumbles almost incoherently, from behind the mask. ‘Are my testicles black?’

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ‘I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.’ He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?’

Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.

Then, she takes a close look and says, There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!’

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,

‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely…….

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?

The pastor asked if any one in the congregation would like to express Praise for answered prayers.

A lady stood and walked to the podium. She said, “I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, “Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim’s scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.”

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim and the wire wrapping he has.

She continued, “Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctor’s say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.”

`All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say.

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium. He said, “Good morning, I’m Jim and I want to tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN, the word is - - - S-T-E-R-N-U-M.”

The Captain of a Canadian Ship in Esquimalt was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.

He posed the question of just how much of sex was ‘work’ and how much of it was ‘pleasure?’ The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.

A Lieutenant (N) said it was 50-50%. The Captain’s Aide, a Sub Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.

There being no consensus, the Lieutenant turned to the Leading Seaman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? With no hesitation, the young Leading Seaman responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.”

The Lieutenant was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?!?

“Well, Sir,” began the Leading Seaman, “if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”

The room fell silent.

God Bless the Canadian Navy.

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, “Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. —

These two are so old and drunk; I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. They won’t know the difference.”

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs and take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, “You know, I think my girl was dead!”

“Dead?” says his friend, “Why do you say that?”

“Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her.”

His friend says, “Could be worse; I think mine was a witch.”

“Witch, why the hell would you say that?”

“Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite, then she farted and flew out of the window.”