A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him. “I’ve figured out your problem,” he told the young southpaw. “You always lose control at the same point in every game.” “When is that?”
“Right after the National Anthem.”
The other day was Take Your Daughter To Work day. The Cubs had a fun time, played a little scrimmage against their daughters. Unfortunately they lost, 15-3.
To give you an idea of the kind of season we’ve had, the person who handled our side of the scoreboard was sick for three weeks and nobody noticed.
A couple of Yogi Berra’s team mates on the Yankees ball club swear that one night the stocky catcher was horrified to see a baby toppling off the roof of a cottage across the way from him. Yogi dashed over and made a miraculous catch - but then force of habit proved too much for him. He straightened up and threw the baby to second base.
Alexander Potter was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen. One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the television set. “Hey,” Alex shouted, “what do you think you’re doing?”
“I am sick of sports, and I’m sick of TV,” his wife replied. “You haven’t touched me in months. We’re going to talk about sex right now!” “Okay, Okay. So…” After a moment, he asked, “How often do you think Brett Favre gets laid?”
The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. “Can you tackle?” asked the coach. “Watch this,” said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. “Wow,” said the coach.
“I’m impressed. Can you run?”
“Of course I can run,” said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred-yard dash. “Great!” enthused the coach. “But can you pass a football?” The freshman hesitated for a few seconds.
“Well, sir,” he said, “if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it.”
During preseason training, a college football lineman married one of the team’s cheerleaders. The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his star football player, “You are such a big, burley guy. Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman? She is no bigger than your hand.” “That’s right, Coach,” replied the lineman. “But, she’s much better!”
After spending all day watching football, Harry fell asleep in front of the TV and spent the whole night in the chair. In the morning, his wife woke him up.
“Get up dear,” she said, “it’s 20 to seven.”
He awoke with a start and said, “In whose favour?”
Mama and Papa Bear are accused of child abuse.
Baby Bear is put on the stand to testify and is asked by the judge, “Do you want to live with Papa Bear?”
“No,” Baby Bear replies, “he beats me.”
Then the judge asks, “Do you want to live with Mama Bear?”
“No,” Baby Bear replies, “she beats me too.”
So the Judge says, “Who do you want to live with then?”
Baby Bear replies, “I want to live with the Chicago Bears;
they don’t beat anybody.”
During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.
At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5-yard loss.
The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, “Who stopped the elephant?”
“I did,” said the centipede.
“Who stopped the rhino?”
“Uh, that was me too,” said the centipede.
“And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?”
“Well, that was me as well,” said the centipede.
“So where were you during all of the first half when we needed you?” demanded the coach.
“Well,” said the centipede, “I was having my ankles taped.”
A foursome was on the last hole and when the last golfer drove off the tee he hooked into a cow pasture.
He advised his friends to play through and he would meet them at the clubhouse.
They followed the plan and waited for their friend.
After a considerable time he appeared disheveled, bloody, and badly beaten up.
They all wanted to know what happened.
He explained that he went over to the cow pasture but could not find his ball.
He noticed a cow wringing her tail in obvious pain.
He went over and lifted her tail and saw a golf ball solidly embedded.
It was a yellow ball so he knew it was not his.
A woman comes out of the bushes apparently searching for her lost golf ball.
The helpful male golfer lifted the cow’s tail and asked, “Does this look like yours?”
That’s when it happened.
Read and heed !
Dear Abby,
I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with “the girls” a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work, you don’t know them.”
I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her.
Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with “the girls.”
When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-shop where I bought it?
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”
“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”)
“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.
“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.”
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”
“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.
“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.
“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”
“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.
A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl. As he sits down,a man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
“No,” he says, “The seat is empty.”
“This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world, and not use it?”
He says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to
Come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1987.”
“Oh … I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”
The man shakes his head. “No they’re all at the funeral.”
1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn’t.2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are just missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. Nyquil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being “over the hill” is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18 Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts: Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23.They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs. A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Weston.
29. I smile because I don’t know what the hell is going on.