All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.
“Look Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual experience in picking lemons?”
“Well, as a matter if fact, yes!” she replied? “I’ve been divorced three times.”
Why were hurricanes usually named after women?
Because when they arrive, they’re wet and wild, but when they go, they take your house and car.
There are two times when a man doesn’t understand a woman:
Before marriage and after marriage.
Marriage is a three-ring circus:
Engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
‘What’s the matter, dear?’ she whispers as she steps into the room, ‘Why are you down here at this time of night?’
The husband looks up from his coffee, ‘Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?’ he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. ‘Yes I do,’ she replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. ‘Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?’
‘Yes, I remember,’ said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husban d continued. ‘Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?”
‘I remember that too’ she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said……’I would have gotten out today.’
A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time to
get married again. So she put an ad in the local
newspaper that read:
HUSBAND WANTED:
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70’s),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.
On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her
dismay, she opened
the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a
wheel chair. He had
no arms or legs.
“You’re not really asking me to consider you, are
you?” the widow said.
“Just look at you - you have no legs!”
The old gentleman smiled, “Therefore, I cannot run
around on you!”
< BR “You don’t have any arms either!” she snorted.
Again, the old man smiled, “Therefore, I can never
beat you!”
She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, “A re you
still good in bed?”
The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said,”
I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
The wedding is scheduled for Saturday…
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren’t married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
“What in bag?” asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband”.
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
“Good trade…..”
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, ‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’
‘It depends,’ I replied. ‘What does it say on your shirt?’
He yelled back, ‘ University of Oklahoma.’
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.’
The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you…’
‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’ Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, ‘honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’
‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; and Patience for his moods.
Because, Lord, if I pray for strength, I’ll beat him to death. AMEN
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder ‘Instruction Manual.
According to 60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)
In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks about women over 40:
As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why:
A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask, “What are you thinking?” She doesn’t care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn’t want to watch the game, she doesn’t sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it’s usually more interesting. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if you deserve it, they won’t hesitate to shoot you if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what it’s like to be unappreciated. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They’ll tell you right off that you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You don’t ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it’s not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coifed, hot woman over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22-year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”, here’s an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it’s not worth buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their
Wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is
Concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they
spendThe entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the
Expected ‘knock’ on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door
Opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action.
They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and
She prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door,
And it’s Roger. Again he is ready for more ‘action’. Somewhat surprised,
Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger
Kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it - Roger is
Back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready
For more ‘action’. And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, ‘I am
Thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and
so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who
were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger.’
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: ‘You mean I was
Here already?’
The moral of the story: Don’t be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer’s
Has its advantages
There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home
Park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for
a number of years.
One evening there was a community supper in the big activity center.
These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered. “Yes, Yes, I will.”
The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places.
Next morning, he was troubled. “Did she say ‘yes’ or did she say ‘no’?”
He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall.
Not even a faint memory.
With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past.
As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say ‘Yes’ or did you say ‘No’?”
He was delighted to hear her say, “Why, I said, ‘Yes, yes I will’ and I meant it with all my heart.”
Then she continued, “And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn’t remember who had asked me.”
This 82-year-old man married a 22-year-old woman and they decided that they wanted to have kids. So after trying for a while with no success, he went to see the urologist, pretty discouraged. The urologist said not to get discouraged and that they could run some tests. “Take this specimen jar into the bathroom and leave me a specimen to test,” the doctor said.
The old man closed the door, and about an hour and a half later, still had not come out. The doctor came by and asked, “Are you alright?”
“No” the old man said. “This just isn’t going to work.” he dejectedly explained. “There’s no hope for me, I’ve worn out my left hand, I’ve worn out my right hand, I’ve run cold water over it, and I’ve run hot water over it. I’ve even thumped it on the edge of the sink. But no way can I get the top off this specimen jar!”
A 65-year-old woman married an 85-year-old man. After about six months together, the woman wasn’t feeling well and she went to her doctor. The doctor examined and said, “Congratulations Mrs. Jones, you’re going to be a mother.”
“Get serious doctor, I’m 65.”
“I know,” said the doctor, “This morning, I would have said it was impossible, but this afternoon you are a medical miracle.”
“I’ll be darned,” she replied and stormed out of the office. She walked down the hall and around the corner to where the telephones were. In a rage, she dialed her husband. “Hello” she heard in his familiar halting voice. She screamed, “You rotten SOB. You got me pregnant!”
There was a pause on the line. Finally, her husband answered, “Who’s calling please?”
On their wedding night, the young bride went up to her new husband. “Since we’re married now, we can arrange our sex life like this: In the evening, if my hair is done, that means I don’t want sex at all. If my hair is somewhat undone, that means I may or may not have sex. And if my hair is completely undone, that means I want sex.” “Okay sweetheart,” the groom replied. “Just make sure, when I come home, I usually have a drink. If I have only one drink, that means I don’t want sex. If I have two drinks, I may or may not want sex. But if I have three drinks, your hair doesn’t matter.”