This has got to be one of the FUNNIEST freakin videos out there… Recently my father sent me a paper he did on stress management in the work force… I would however like to end off that paper with the following…
All the best to my father… hahaha what a laugh this guys has… must be in the yoga.
This is a classic SNL bit that I found for your entertainment. I have been in technical support, well project management my whole career and I have to say, they really hit this one well… I hope people don’t view me like Nick Burns hahaha. Your computer guy, Nick Burns brings it home with this old funny joke.
1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you.
2. You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.
3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
4. Well, aren’t we a damn ray of sunshine!
5. Don’t bother me; I’m living happily every after.
6. Do I look like a people person?
7. This isn’t an office…it’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
10. Why don’t you try practicing random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?
11. I’m not crazy. I’ve been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?
14. I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t gone to sleep yet!
16. Back off! You’re standing in my aura.
17. Don’t worry…I forgot your name too.
18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
20. Wait…I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. Chaos, panic and disorder…my work here is done.
22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
23. You look like shit. Is that they style now?
24. Earth is full. Go home.
25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
26. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
27. A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth.
28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
30. Look in my eyes…Do you see one ounce of “gives-a-shit?”
The boss was in a quandry. He had to fire somebody. He had it narrowed down to one of two people, Katie or Jack. It was an impossible decision, they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Katie came in the next morning with a horrible hang-over after partying all night. She went straight to the water cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said, “Katie, I’ve never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off.”
“I’d rather you jack off,” she replied. “I really feel like shit this morning!”
A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff’s deputy.
He thinks he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer from New York and he is certain that he is better educated than any cop from Texas. He decides to prove this to himself and to have some fun at the Texas deputy’s expense!!
Deputy says: “License and Registration please.”
Lawyer says: “What for?”
Deputy says: “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
Lawyer says: “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
Deputy says: “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”
Lawyer says: “What’s the difference?”
Deputy says: “The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration please!”
Lawyer says: “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration; and you can give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don’t give me the ticket.”
Deputy says: “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, please Sir.”
The deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the lawyer with it and then says, “Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?”
To give you an idea of the kind of season we’ve had, the person who handled our side of the scoreboard was sick for three weeks and nobody noticed.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead team were sent out to install telephone poles for the Telephone Company. After the first day, the brunette team had installed 30 poles, the redhead team had installed 37 poles, and the blonde team had installed 7. The contractor was outraged with the blonde team and demanded to know why they had done so few.
“Hey, we saw what the other teams were doing. Theirs were still sticking out of the ground.”
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?”
“Of course not, dear,” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?”
“The tombstone back there said…
‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.’”
A defence attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial -
it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.
“Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?”
Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um … no.”
The lawyer interrupts, “or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again. “or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!”
The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea…”
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. ‘Nurse’, he mumbles almost incoherently, from behind the mask. ‘Are my testicles black?’
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ‘I don’t know, Sir. I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.’ He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?’
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!’
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely…….
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?
The Captain of a Canadian Ship in Esquimalt was about to start the morning briefing to his Staff.
While waiting for the coffee machine to finish its brewing, he decided to pose a question to all assembled.
He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep.
He posed the question of just how much of sex was ‘work’ and how much of it was ‘pleasure?’ The X.O. chimed in with 75-25% in favour of work.
A Lieutenant (N) said it was 50-50%. The Captain’s Aide, a Sub Lieutenant responded with 25-75% in favour of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Lieutenant turned to the Leading Seaman who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? With no hesitation, the young Leading Seaman responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.”
The Lieutenant was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?!?
“Well, Sir,” began the Leading Seaman, “if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”
The room fell silent.
God Bless the Canadian Navy.
Went to the men’s room in the Schiphol Airport (Netherlands) when we got to Amsterdam, I saw the fly and didn’t think much about it. Now I know why it was there!
Who says you can’t potty train a man?
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favourite chair.
Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins. Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
“Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized. “
Now, close your eyes and repeat to yourself, “I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson”.
HAVE A NICE DAY AND REMEMBER, THERE IS ALWAYS SOMEONE ELSE WITH A JOB THAT IS MORE OF A PAIN IN THE ARSE THAN YOURS!
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection.
They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.
When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth.
The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.
The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity.
He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.
The rabbit declared that he had the same problem.
Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.
The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit.
After a few moments, he announced, “You’ve got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!”
The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake.
After feeling about the snake’s body for a few minutes, he asserted,
“Well, you’re scaly, you’re slimy, you’ve got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you’ve got a forked tongue.
I think you’re a lawyer!”